Every time I'm feeling really happy or really sad I can't help but to look at it from a biological point of view, which makes me feel a bit helpless and leads me to the thought that my personality is determined by the amount of certain hormones flowing through my bloodstream. At the end no one really knows anything, no one is really someone because we are constantly changing and we have no time to get to know ourselves, we don't even know who we are or if we really do exist, and before I get more philosophical, I'd like to say this life is nothing like I expected it to be, at last things are apparently falling into place and if I close my eyes for just a second I can feel that everything will be okay and things will turn out exactly the way I want, because I deserve it, because I've waited long enough and because I've given up many things in order to get that.
There are a million and one things going through my mind right now, aside from the usual ones which have been especially intense lately. The last few weeks have been hard on me but I can see a light now, which I never remembered to be so bright. My previous thoughts haunt me and won't let me arrive at true happiness because they never really did believe in it.
The past week got me thinking a lot about my attitudes towards different things, the way I never seem to be able to make up my mind about different things and how inconsistent I may seem to everyone around me.
I often am disgusted by some of my thoughts and attitudes, I never really mean them, they just come and go as they please and I can't do anything against them, I guess I can learn to, at least, keep them within me, even though it sounds quite unhealthy, I just don't want to act like someone I am not just because I don't know how to control myself.
On Thursday something happened, the kind of thing people take sides for, the kind of thing that is controversial enough to keeps us talking all they way through lunch. It doesn't matter what it was about, what worries me (and bothers me) is how I couldn't agree with anything, well, it was more like I couldn't disagree with anything, each position and statement was sensible and I could clearly see how someone would be for or against it, and this, what is quite helpful when I write, this ability to see something from different perspectives is what keeps me from choosing something, even from things like whether or not god exists I just cannot know it and probably never will, everything is just as possible, everything is just as acceptable. Perhaps this is the reason why I have always been interested in ethical matter and morality in general, I always thought that religious people had it so easy because they had rules they could rely on, things that are a certain way and ought to be followed no questions asked, I always envied how easy some people have it, I, however, cannot tell the difference between right and wrong, acceptable or unacceptable or even fantasy from reality.
The next point is closely related to the last one, consistency. Due to the lack of a well defined set of principles I have to follow, some of my actions and statements may be (are) seen as inconsistent, I change my mind constantly and it might be weird for people to hear all these opinions coming from the same person in such short periods of time. But well, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said I shouldn't be afraid to be who I am just because people would be confused by it, I should be consistent with myself today, not necessarily with my previous actions.
In other news, I got accepted into literature and that is probably the reason why I am feeling happy, turns out my life is slowly becoming what I want it to be.
Here is a link to the essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson, which I highly recommend and love ever since I heard it in english class last year. Here
There are a million and one things going through my mind right now, aside from the usual ones which have been especially intense lately. The last few weeks have been hard on me but I can see a light now, which I never remembered to be so bright. My previous thoughts haunt me and won't let me arrive at true happiness because they never really did believe in it.
The past week got me thinking a lot about my attitudes towards different things, the way I never seem to be able to make up my mind about different things and how inconsistent I may seem to everyone around me.
I often am disgusted by some of my thoughts and attitudes, I never really mean them, they just come and go as they please and I can't do anything against them, I guess I can learn to, at least, keep them within me, even though it sounds quite unhealthy, I just don't want to act like someone I am not just because I don't know how to control myself.
On Thursday something happened, the kind of thing people take sides for, the kind of thing that is controversial enough to keeps us talking all they way through lunch. It doesn't matter what it was about, what worries me (and bothers me) is how I couldn't agree with anything, well, it was more like I couldn't disagree with anything, each position and statement was sensible and I could clearly see how someone would be for or against it, and this, what is quite helpful when I write, this ability to see something from different perspectives is what keeps me from choosing something, even from things like whether or not god exists I just cannot know it and probably never will, everything is just as possible, everything is just as acceptable. Perhaps this is the reason why I have always been interested in ethical matter and morality in general, I always thought that religious people had it so easy because they had rules they could rely on, things that are a certain way and ought to be followed no questions asked, I always envied how easy some people have it, I, however, cannot tell the difference between right and wrong, acceptable or unacceptable or even fantasy from reality.
The next point is closely related to the last one, consistency. Due to the lack of a well defined set of principles I have to follow, some of my actions and statements may be (are) seen as inconsistent, I change my mind constantly and it might be weird for people to hear all these opinions coming from the same person in such short periods of time. But well, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said I shouldn't be afraid to be who I am just because people would be confused by it, I should be consistent with myself today, not necessarily with my previous actions.
In other news, I got accepted into literature and that is probably the reason why I am feeling happy, turns out my life is slowly becoming what I want it to be.
Here is a link to the essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson, which I highly recommend and love ever since I heard it in english class last year. Here
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