To be honest I kind of missed the feeling of hating everything I do, don't get me wrong, it's not like I like the feeling I just realized how long it had been since I last felt it. For a while, after reading what I'd written, I still liked it, it has all changed, I deeply despise everything that I have written in the past month or so. I scares me that I won't be good enough, but then again nothing makes me as happy, still frustrates me. This is definitely not the greatest point of my life, not only I'm not happy with myself but others seem yo be bothered as well, and even when they are nice I feel it's just a lie, I guess I recognize them from what I tell myself sometimes.
I wonder if they are just lies that I tell myself, or if people can't see it. I've always thought that a human being is difficult to define. I can't say I'm honest, since I've lied at some point. I can't say I'm funny when I'm serious sometimes, I can't say I'm organized because I keep my locker neat when it's sometimes hard to find anything in my closet, I can't say I'm intelligent, when I've done a fool of myself so many times. I can't say I'm responsible, when I have procrastinated. I can't say I'm nice, when I know that I not always am. I can't say I'm easy to get along with when it's not always like that. I can't say I'm good enough when I wish I was somewhat different.
Fuck strict definitions I don't act according a code, I haven't been just programmed to answer in a certain way. I act the way I feel like acting and if people don't like it then fuck off I never did care for them anyway. The problem comes when I'm not pleased with myself I cannot just say fuck off. The hardest person to get along with is oneself. Or at least that's how I feel.
How and why should change the way I am. Should I change it at all?
I claim I what to know and learn so many things, and yet I'm willing to lie to myself in such a shameless way. that is not looking for the truth, that is not getting to know oneself, That is choosing a fucking mask I'm pleased with.
I've always said that I've never cared for what people say or think of me, so why their disapproval hits me so hard? and why their approval makes me feel better about myself?
I guess that's why I'm on my own tonight; maybe I always take the easy way. I have always been a weak kid after all, god know I'd like everything to be different.
And I know that in a short while I'll be as happy as I can be, because that's just how my mood works.
I wonder if they are just lies that I tell myself, or if people can't see it. I've always thought that a human being is difficult to define. I can't say I'm honest, since I've lied at some point. I can't say I'm funny when I'm serious sometimes, I can't say I'm organized because I keep my locker neat when it's sometimes hard to find anything in my closet, I can't say I'm intelligent, when I've done a fool of myself so many times. I can't say I'm responsible, when I have procrastinated. I can't say I'm nice, when I know that I not always am. I can't say I'm easy to get along with when it's not always like that. I can't say I'm good enough when I wish I was somewhat different.
Fuck strict definitions I don't act according a code, I haven't been just programmed to answer in a certain way. I act the way I feel like acting and if people don't like it then fuck off I never did care for them anyway. The problem comes when I'm not pleased with myself I cannot just say fuck off. The hardest person to get along with is oneself. Or at least that's how I feel.
How and why should change the way I am. Should I change it at all?
I claim I what to know and learn so many things, and yet I'm willing to lie to myself in such a shameless way. that is not looking for the truth, that is not getting to know oneself, That is choosing a fucking mask I'm pleased with.
I've always said that I've never cared for what people say or think of me, so why their disapproval hits me so hard? and why their approval makes me feel better about myself?
I guess that's why I'm on my own tonight; maybe I always take the easy way. I have always been a weak kid after all, god know I'd like everything to be different.
And I know that in a short while I'll be as happy as I can be, because that's just how my mood works.
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