[28-02-09]

You never do realize you are wearing glasses, until you notice how out of proportion you used to see things.

[26-02-09]

I've made up with myself. Everything feels more sincere, I get to see my life from a completely different perspective and it's refreshig. I've lived within the same old white walls that kept me from seeing the outside, I was isolated in such a way that for a second I was almost convinced that there was no outside at all. New dreams, new hopes and new fears come along, non of which I regret. As of now, I'm making some decisions that might be life changing, it's indeed frightening, but that won't stop me from doing it. It's my life after all and nothing too bad can bring this feeling along.

[25-02-09]

Two, three emotions per second. The sounds outside my head couldn't be any more different. My eyes are open to a whole new perspective, and my reason comes down to a not so simple part of life, which I cannot avoid as much as I want to. And yet a huge weight is lifted, I get to breathe and everything is simpler than I ever imagined. I'm about to start, even though it may seem too late. It never meant that everything was wrong and should change, I have dreams I'd like to follow, different things I'd like to to happen, hopes and expectations I just cannot let go of, simply because the only thought of them makes me smile, and it's good to smile. I might be wrong or I might be right, it's completely besides the point, because at the end none of that matters at all. I'll live one day at a time, getting by, looking ahead to the day I die.

[24-02-09]

Today something brought me back to my past, a place I don't quite want to be at right now. I've realized how nothing's ever they way I think it'd be, but something different, which only reassueres what I've always "believed" in, things are always trying to surprise me, no matter how many different beginnings, how many different scenarios, how many different lines or how many different endings, they never get to come true, just the only little things I miss are the ones who actually come into being. Maybe if I was more of a pessimist my life'd be better...

I am very well used to getting my hopes up for anything, but if I think about it enough I always arrieve at the same conclusion; I don't want anything but... No matter how many chances, no matter how good the might seem, theres always an "option" that looks way better than the others, I afraind I'll never be happy because nothing will ever top that, much less go over it.

There's time and a lot more to get to know, I should not give much thought into it, and perhaps it'll be just as good as I'd imagine it.

[16-02-09]

You never know how closed your mind is until you try to open it.

[02-02-09]

I had been a while since I last felt truly sad, that if it ever happened. It just keeps getting worse and worse with every second and I can't help it. No one is there for me, and even if they were I wouldn't take their confort because I can only believe my own lies.

This probably seems fake, but the tears filling my eyes and this strong feeling within me leave no room for doubt. I hate feeling this way and I can tell that people around me do as well, they find me annoying and don't want to have anything to do with it.

These are the moments when I regret being alone, when I hate my weakness more than usual, when I wish nights were longer so I could sleep and dream and wouldn't have to deal with this.

No one knows I'm going through all of this. No one has any idea of what I'm feeling now, not even my brother who's juas a wall away. It kills me that no one notices, it just shows me just how important I really am.

How could I not hate this time of the year?
I'll all soon change, for good hopefully.

Not tonight and not for me.

[02-02-09]

I know it's over.

To be honest I kind of missed the feeling of hating everything I do, don't get me wrong, it's not like I like the feeling I just realized how long it had been since I last felt it. For a while, after reading what I'd written, I still liked it, it has all changed, I deeply despise everything that I have written in the past month or so. I scares me that I won't be good enough, but then again nothing makes me as happy, still frustrates me. This is definitely not the greatest point of my life, not only I'm not happy with myself but others seem yo be bothered as well, and even when they are nice I feel it's just a lie, I guess I recognize them from what I tell myself sometimes.

I wonder if they are just lies that I tell myself, or if people can't see it. I've always thought that a human being is difficult to define. I can't say I'm honest, since I've lied at some point. I can't say I'm funny when I'm serious sometimes, I can't say I'm organized because I keep my locker neat when it's sometimes hard to find anything in my closet, I can't say I'm intelligent, when I've done a fool of myself so many times. I can't say I'm responsible, when I have procrastinated. I can't say I'm nice, when I know that I not always am. I can't say I'm easy to get along with when it's not always like that. I can't say I'm good enough when I wish I was somewhat different.

Fuck strict definitions I don't act according a code, I haven't been just programmed to answer in a certain way. I act the way I feel like acting and if people don't like it then fuck off I never did care for them anyway. The problem comes when I'm not pleased with myself I cannot just say fuck off. The hardest person to get along with is oneself. Or at least that's how I feel.

How and why should change the way I am. Should I change it at all?

I claim I what to know and learn so many things, and yet I'm willing to lie to myself in such a shameless way. that is not looking for the truth, that is not getting to know oneself, That is choosing a fucking mask I'm pleased with.

I've always said that I've never cared for what people say or think of me, so why their disapproval hits me so hard? and why their approval makes me feel better about myself?

I guess that's why I'm on my own tonight; maybe I always take the easy way. I have always been a weak kid after all, god know I'd like everything to be different.

And I know that in a short while I'll be as happy as I can be, because that's just how my mood works.