[19-05-09]

An overwhelming feeling takes over me. I enjoy it until a certain extent, when I realize what it actually is. I get a strong need of writing, some call it inspiration, an idea that somehow reached me, an idea that I can hardly believe comes from within me. Something I've never really experienced, and yet is there, is there and nothing seems to take it away, fortunately?

there are a million things ahead, a million things I've never seen, and probably will never see. I'm left with nothing but the strong feeling that things will be okay, a weird feeling of certainty I've been missing for a while.

Secretly wishing this could stay this way, at least for a little longer. I know I'll miss a lot of things, or perhaps miss one thing a lot.. There's no way of knowing it yet.

Or there is..., I've always known what I wanted, I just kept pushing things away, making excuses up, just to keep the situation this way, afraid of change, rejection and fail. But is it worth it? Is this the best way to live life? will I miss a lot of things if I keep acting this way?

Probably not. Pretty sure it isn't. No doubt about it.

And yet nothing changes. God knows I've tried, it's just too difficult, or perhaps I've never really tried, maybe this is just another excuse.

[18-05-09]

I close my eyes and put my hands on the keyboard hoping that everything will turn out to be fine. I let the finger move and type hoping that the fluency will strike any time and they will suddenly start moving on their own, getting caught in the moment and write all those things I can't.

I can't stop feeling guilty, which only makes me realize what might had been going on before, perhaps this is happening so that I can understand how things were, how it felt, and I never did realize it was this hard and I wonder if the lesson here is to just walk away.

Walk away, but never quite give up. I have a feeling that I will be forever waiting to have a chance, as pathetic as it might seem. I dream every day and every night, an as much as I love to, and as much as I claim I don't mind, it's getting harder to believe my own lies.

Maybe nothing is ever what it seems and the idea I have is far from real. Maybe everything I've pictured throughout the years is nothing more than a picture, but what ever lead me to believe it could come true? Because it's hard to believe such a strong feeling was never real.

There are so many things happening, so many thoughts passing through my mind and yet none of them is really important at all. What really is important might be lying a couple of minutes away, or maybe years, or it migth not even exist. there is nothing left to say, nothing important that is.

[04-05-09]

Thinking like this has never lead me to anything good.
But these kinds of thoughts are quite difficult to avoid
And as many thoughts i have, I'd still feel the same fear combined with saddness and a bit of hope that just doesn't seem to go away.
One would think that there are only so many things that can go wrong, but these series of events prove it wrong.
As many tears that fall out of off my eyes, as many words i try to write, they never seems to take it away.
It's funny how people fight to keep it and I'm fighting for the exact opposite reason.
This, along with getting my hopes up with no need of a particular reason, are the things I should had learnt not to do a long time ago, and yet the easyness in which they come is overhelming.
Denial has lost all power apparently, since I can barely remember the last time I said it was over.

But now it has to be. It has to be.