Thoughts Of The Night

[13-09-10]

2010-09-13T19:45:00.001-05:00

I was never a fan of judging my past self, and yet I can't wait for the time when all this seems stupid and not worth it, I can't wait to look back and laugh at my naiveness, at my weakness.

The last thirteen months have been weird and unexpected, beautiful and yet so miserable. Now, it seems to be a new beginning, a new chance to start over, it's a shame I'm so damn weak right now to take this oportunity and live it to the fullest.

It's been a while since I last felt like this... maybe I haven't ever felt this way, it's hard to tell, since I can barely remember how my life used to be.

It's a shame things ended this way
I'm really going to miss you
my dear friend.

[11-06-10]

2010-06-11T00:28:00.001-05:00

she has always been convinced of her lack of value, deep inside she always new, she just hid it, very well if i may add. she managed to find a way to make everyone believe she was more, she was happy, she had all she ever wanted, but this was hardly true.

she tried so hard to convince herself that she had at least the slightles bit of value, and for a second or two she did believe those lies, she did, however, make believe every single person aronund her that every thing was fine, she even made them believe she was more, good, worth of congratulations and respect.

She continued this way for several years, until she broke, she finally came to admit the truth, which is that there was no good in her and all those lies, all those masks had become just way to heavy to keep them and so she threw them away.

People urged her to believe all those things they saw in her, but those were just lies you fools, she kept thinking to herself.

eventually, she'll once again fall for the lie and the make-believe will somehow be restored and she'll continue to live that wonderful thing the others thought was her life.

ps: sorry for the spelling and grammar, not in the mood for a revision.

[03-03-10]

2010-03-13T23:58:00.001-05:00

tal vez ansias de tener lo que no me corresponde, tal vez el ver en otras personas eso que tanto odio de mi, tal vez incapacidad, tal vez el no poder olvidar ciertas cosas, tal vez el no poder cambiar tantas otras.

nunca pensé, nunca me imaginé. Como siempre las cosas me toman por sorpresa aunque haya tratado de pensar cada una de las posibilidades tantas noches sin poder dormir.

Ahora entiendo a Teresa, de verdad me enferma, pero no hay reclamo alguno que pueda hacer, sólo puedo tener sueños extraños que no soy capaz de compartir, sólo puedo escribir unas cuantas lineas cada día esperando que con eso baste, pero bien sé que nunca será suficiente

En algún momento dije que no importaría, pero eso sólo termino siendo la promesa que acabaría con taparme la boca por completo, pues ahora sería imposible hablar, ahora sería indebido, habría mentido, no era mi intención, de verdad pensé... De cualquier modo ha sido así desde siempre.

nauseas, desprecio, desagrado, repulsión, fastidio... es difícil definir lo que la situación me hace sentir, pero claro, esto es sólo una cara.. lo que verdaderamente lo hace difícil es que existe también un lado maravilloso.

Es una tristeza extraña, duele más, es más difícil de olvidar, más difícil de cambiar...

[19-12-09]

2009-12-19T00:04:00.001-05:00

A veces se vive tan intensamente que no se guardan recuerdos. Esta mancha borrosa angustia, no puede ser que un momento como ese se haya perdido en el olvido -por su puesto no es así, pues no se puede perder lo que nunca se ha tenido-, entonces se escribe sobre la mancha un momento incluso mejor que el real, casi fantástico, un momento que esta vez sí será guardado por toda la vida, pero que, sin embargo, nunca ocurrió.

De estos está llena mi memoria; momentos felices, modificados hasta la perfección, haciendo que cualquier cosa que ocurriese después pareciese insignificante y mediocre.

Ahí estoy yo, en un equilibrio entre haber vivido algo hermoso y saber que nunca se repetirá, no es ni bueno ni malo, o más bien, de alguna manera, es ambos al mismo tiempo.

[11-12-09]

2009-12-11T23:08:00.001-05:00

I'd like to make myself believe that:
-The waiting is worth it
-Someone does care
-I won't end up all alone
-Someday things will go exactly the way I want them to
-Everything will be okay
-There is someone out there for me
-I will, someday, become a better person
-I will, someday, get the feeling things are perfect the way they are

But I'm far too tired to do so and it's quite obvious none of these are real; even though that might stop violence, it also kills hope.

[06-12-09]

2009-12-06T00:19:00.002-05:00

Para la mayoría de personas parecen ser más importantes las acciones que los pensamientos, no estoy de acuerdo, ellos creen que algo sólo es real si lo pueden comprobar empíricamente, pero esto suele parecerme lo menos importante.

Esta es seguramente la razón de todas las batallas que se libran en mi interior, pienso mucho, de esto, naturalmente salen contradicciones, y así he vivido la mayor parte de mi vida.

Pero ellos tienen algo de razón, cuando algo sucede las cosas son infinitamente más complejas, no más importantes. En todo caso ahora hay un hecho por el cual guiarse, que puede echar abajo pensamientos anteriores y sobre el cual parece ser necesario construir unos nuevos.

Sin embargo nunca me importó ser consecuente como lo que he hecho, en cambio me parecía más importante ser consecuente con lo que creo, en otras palabras, no son las personas a las que me importa aparecer como consecuente, sino a mí misma y no con un pensamiento o hecho pasado, sino con creencias actuales.

Este es uno de esos momentos en que no sé que hacer, pero existe un hecho que lo marca todo, que lo define todo, que lo complica todo, y ahora todo es infinitamente más complejo.

Creo que nunca aprecié suficientemente mi soledad, creo que yo ya soy una responsabilidad suficiente y no necesito otras personas que agregar a mi carga de conciencia existente. Pero tal vez sea sólo la situación en concreto.

Este último pensamiento me tranquiliza y me preocupa a la vez, pues me da esperanza, pero vuelve el momento actual mucho más pesado.

Con esto acabo de caer en cuenta del peso, es mucho peso y yo tiendo a preocuparme excesivamente de las cosas, tiendo a hacer todo más grande y vuelvo una situación un mundo completo.

Yo le di el peso, no sé bien que hacía y no puedo culpar a nada más, hice una promesa que no puedo romper, pero romperla sería liberarme, sería volverme otra vez liviana, volver a abrir ese mundo de posibilidades.

volver a la metáfora del túnel, porque ahora queda totalmente inválida, porque ahora es sólo un montón de palabras y una exageración.

Y si resulta que me gusta más soñar, más que volver mis sueños realidad, me gusta vivirlos en un mundo imaginario y sueño sólo por el soñar y no por el volver realidad.

Seguro tendrá cosas buenas, pero que digo, acaso sucederá, acaso no debe suceder entonces? debes ir, debes ir porque está mal que no lo hagas, porque harás las cosas peores.

Yo no sabía que hacía, yo pensaba que.. en qué pensaba? no lo sé, intentaba tal vez convertir un sueño en realidad, en vivir, en tomar las oportunidades que se me presentaban, sin pensar en nada más. Pensaba como otra persona.

Me dejé llevar por no sé qué, por curiosidad, por algo que ya no comprendo, no me arrepiento, pero no es propiamente orgullo lo que ahora siento.

ahora recuerdo momentos cortos, no puedo dejar de pensar que me molesta, me fastidia, no soy yo, o tal vez esa sí soy yo sólo que nunca tuve la oportunidad de demostrarlo.

pero este sentimiento de molestia me hace sentir mal, debe acabar entonces? llevo ya unos cuantos minutos expresando mi inconformidad con esta situación y sin embargo existe algo que me detiene, que busca cosas que me impidan cambiarlo todo, que me impidan acabar con todo esto.

Esta vez no estoy sola, si se trata de mí no me importa mucho, (esto es claro, un decir), pero cuando se trata de alguien más, yo me quedo atrás, no importo y desde afuera trato de resolverlo, pero es quitarme importancia la mejor respuesta?

Toda la vida me he preocupado por hacer las cosas bien, por hacer lo mejor, pero existen momentos donde nada es completamente bueno y se hace difícil escoger.

Seguramente será mejor tomar el camino de la verdad, pues sólo quedaría el de los demás seres humanos y no me parece que sea el mejor.

"te prometí que no volvería a hacer una cosa y me temo que es precisamente lo que voy a hacer, no quiero justificar mis acciones, no estoy segura si lograría hacerlo, seguramente no existe explicación y sin embargo así es. No quise engañarme ni a mí, ni a ti, y esta parece ser la única salida para poder conseguir ambas metas. (...)"

Escribir tiene un poder extraordinario sobre mí y me llena de tranquilidad, eso sin mencionar que aclara mi miente y me permite saber qué es lo que estoy pensando de verdad. Ya no sé qué he escrito y no quiero volver a leer aún, seguramente lo haré mañana cuando todo esté un poco más claro.

[04-12-09]

2009-12-04T00:03:00.001-05:00

"(...) en todo caso había un solo túnel, oscuro y solitario: el mío, el túnel en que había transcurrido mi infancia, mi juventud, toda mi vida."
El Túnel - Sabato

Mi túnel no es mucho como el de Castel, él mio es diferente, es peor. Existen partes de piedra y partes de vidrio, sí, pero no es el mismo vidrio, el mío es de esos que usan cuando interrogan a la gente, es de esos que dejan la luz pasar por un lado, pero el otro no funciona de la misma manera. Yo veo la gente afuera y a veces pareciera que ellos volvieran la mirada, justo donde yo estoy, me alegro, me ilusiono; alguien me puede ver. Sin embargo, apartan pronto la mirada y es ahí cuando recuerdo que esto no pudo ser cierto, no pueden haberme visto, simplemente porque el vidrio no lo permitiría y todo lo que yo creí no es más que una ilusión, una ilusión producto de la siempre presente esperanza.

Está igualmente limitado, aislado, vacío, y los demás, los demás no tienen túneles, los demás pueden pasearse por donde quieran, yo debo esperar al frente de esas ventanas que bien podrían ser piedra para los demás. Ellos corren libres, nada los limita o los aisla, y yo los veo de vez en cuando, pertenecen "al ancho mundo, al mundo sin límites de los que no viven en túneles".

[21-11-09]

2009-11-21T21:25:00.003-05:00

Me pongo una suerte de semblante y salgo, así tal vez no se note el tinte rojizo en mis ojos, así tal vez pase más desapercibida de lo normal. De un tiempo para acá he desarrollado un gusto por caminar; últimamente gozo de una libertad que no conocía, libertad que me permite vagar por la ciudad, completamente ensimismada en mis pensamientos, cosa que sólo podía hacer por unos pocos minutos hace algunos meses.

Camino por la calle con todo menos una única expresión, de vez en cuando me fijo en las caras de las personas a mi al rededor, pero la mayor parte del tiempo estoy muy dentro de mí misma, muy dentro de mis pensamientos, concentrada tratando de encontrar una solución o un sentido, imaginando cosas o alimentando tristezas.

De vez en cuando la idea de soledad me inunda, la idea de que a nadie le importa que yo camine por una ciudad que me doy cuenta que apenas conozco, la idea de que no hay una sola persona que conozca que sepa donde estoy exactamente y es esta idea la que me llena de tristeza y una extraña tranquilidad. Dejo que el viento me despeine, nadie acá me conoce, bien podría llorar, pero esa costumbre de ser fuerte y esconder lo que siento es difícil de cambiar. Mientras más camino más me doy cuenta de que es insignificante, el mundo sigue así yo intente quedarme atrás, unos minutos atrás, cuando pude haber actuado de otro modo, cuando pude haber sido una mejor persona o herir más profundamente, el tiempo sigue corriendo, la escaza luz lo atestigua, el frío se hace cada vez más difícil de ignorar mientras se extingue mi libertad.

Camino buscando algo, un rostro familiar, una mirada que diga algo, algún signo que me pueda dar otra falsa esperanza, una idea que por alguna razón llegue a mi cabeza, que lo ilumine todo y me haga sentir mejor. Busco sentirme mejor, quererme un poco más, alejarme de la gente y las situaciones que me recuerdan qué tan bajo se puede llegar a estar, qué tan mal se puede llegar a sentir, que tan lejos estoy de todo eso que a aquello se opone.

Camino y trato de evaluar cosas, saber qué está bien sentir, qué debo pensar y si lo que ya he pensado es exagerado o tal vez todo lo contrario. Muchas veces no sé qué pensar, muchas veces cambio lo que siento, muchas veces ese sentimiento que no me deja estar segura de mí misma, esa duda, me hace arrepentir de todo lo que hice, aunque haya sido lo mejor. A veces caminar me da demasiada perspectiva...

La tristeza se va, de alguna manera he vuelto a distraerme, un solo sonido puede hacerme volver a ser la persona que aparece, cualquier cosa por pequeña que sea puede hacerme feliz y todo parece estar bien mientras ignore todo lo que no lo está. No es superficial, no es una mentira, es felicidad, es tranquilidad o al menos se les parece mucho, parece que cumplí mi objetivo y es seguro la tristeza se va para volver otro día seguramente no muy lejano.

[19-10-09] II

2009-10-19T00:24:00.001-05:00

why is it that every time something is finally going well, something terribly bad has to happen?
don't I deserve a little while of happiness?

I'd like to say it doesn't get to me
I'd like to say I don't care at all
but it's getting harder to lie
it's getting harder to pretend

It does awake things I've always known were there, insecurities that never did leave, hate that never did turn into love, the disapproval has been always there, I just never thought it'd be so bad, I just never thought it'd be this hard.
There's nothing I can do, or better, there's nothing I should do, but to take a distance, be considerate and try to step aside, and as difficult as it might be, perhaps is for the best.

I am now convinced that history repeats itself, and as hard as he might have tried, he finally did, what someone else did before him, me managed to turn everything he hated and avoided, to reality and I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.

This seems one of those events that changes people forever, it leaves a scar that will never heal, one of those events that will determine everything else after them, and life won't be just like I imagined, it will be, perhaps, a nightmare that came true, a long hated nightmare that was never supposed to happen.

[19-10-09]

2009-10-18T23:14:00.003-05:00

"Fui siguiendo mis recuerdos mientras caía la noche. Fuera llovía. También en mi recuerdos oía caer la lluvia."

"Yo sólo intentaba vivir lo que pugnaba por salir de mí mismo ¿por qué resultaba tan difícil?"
(Quería tan sólo intentar vivir lo que tendía a brotar espontáneamente de mí. ¿por qué había de serme tan difícil?)

"Cuando una situación me resultaba agradable, cuando un sueño me hacía bien, empezaba a secarse y a perder su fuerza. Era inútil añorarlos."

Emil Sinclair

[14-10-09] II

2009-10-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

some years apart
some things change
some things stay
some things never are

A feeling takes over me
for a second I forget
I get the feeling all my memories were made up
and I've lived nothing up until now

Emptiness isn't that bad
it does bring calmness along
some sort of tranquility
that somehow makes me feel better

On one of those days when I wake up without knowing how important the next hours are going to be.
One of those nights when the day is nearly over and I'm falling asleep, I recall every memory as being taken from my imagination rather than reality.

Days like today.
Nights like tonight.

[14-10-09]

2009-10-14T20:53:00.001-05:00

I missed how things can sometimes turn out fine, how sometimes a mistake can ultimately lead to an improvement. The usual mix of feelings surrounds me, but for the first time is, above them all, tranquility and the feeling of having done what needed to be done.

It's true that I change, for periods of time I feel and act weird, I never mean for that to happen, and yet I'm somehow sure there must be a reason behind them, that they make perfect sense. A part of me is happy they notice these things, the other feels ashamed and guilty for hurting every one around me.

People tend to lie, say things that are not at all necessary but quite comforting. Making a difference between those and the truth is quite difficult, and as much as I might doubt it, I much rather pick the later.

[11-09-09]

2009-09-11T22:03:00.001-05:00

Hay días un poco como hoy, días en que me doy cuenta que mi vida es como un sueño un poco y que es un poco más leve de lo que me gustaría. Hay días en que se me olvida todo lo que he aprendido, días en que se me olvida qué es eso de despertarse o de darse cuenta de que sé está dormido. Y hoy me di cuenta de eso un poco y me hace sentir un poco mal, ves? y como que el sueño es bonito pero es falso y me fastidia un poco, pero la realidad no me mata tam-poco, y no sé que hacer, ves?

Hoy es de esos días en que no me interesa mentir, o tal vez de esos días en que siendo que todo es una gran mentira y es difícil diferenciar, todo es homogéneo, de la manera que sea.

A mi me gusta soñar un poco que quiere decir únicamente, que quiere decir todo el tiempo. A veces mirar el cielo oscuro ayuda a olvidar todo un poco pero a veces lo vuelve peor. Hay noches que siento volar, hay noches donde mi pies pueden difícilmente despegarse del suelo. Hay días donde no sé quién soy y hay días cuando no me importa. Hay días que la vida es dulce, otros que no sabe a nada y otros que sabe amarga, siendo esta la mezcla del dulce y la sal. A veces también es salada.

Hay cosas en las que no me gusta pensar, hay cosas que pienso demasiado. los minutos pasan y es muy poco lo que siento, el momento de mi vida se pasa lentamente y existen cosas que lo definen, existen olores y sabores, sonidos y luces que no dejan de alumbrarlo todo.

Existen segundos que nunca pasan. Existe materia muy blanda, donde crear impresiones es fácil pero asimismo se borran fácil, se cambian, les cae otra cosa encima y de pronto ya no son las mismas. Existen vidas como la mía, existen vidas volubles y existen vidas secas y duras.

[10-09-09] II

2009-09-10T21:17:00.001-05:00

and there have been only so many nights I've gone outside just to breathe the cold wind and hold it within my lungs for as long as I can. There have been only so many days I've faced the sun, eyes cosed and the weird feeling that everything is completely okay...

There have been only so many nights when I've cried myself to sleep, when I wish I could sleep for ever. There have been only so many days in which the time goes by unbelievable slow, when the clouds cover it all and I'm never an exception.

Most of the time only happen to hold this two up, fills the blank between them. not bad, not great, only there, some time, at times enjoyable, at times unbearable...

[10-09-09]

2009-09-10T21:13:00.001-05:00

There were traces of grass. Spending the whole day laying on it doesn't happen without consequences, from over two weeks, but still were they there, as if they should stay forever. I held it, held it without knowing, somehow I feel guilty, I might have left some sort of other traces and it doesn't belong to me. Although it's sad, I, just like always, try to draw my attention off of it, but it isn't me who places my thoughts in my head, or at least that's how it seems to be. Fuck grass, fuck traces, fuck everything that reminds me of things I'm trying to avoid. Fuck the sun and the clouds, fuck the books and the words.

[05-09-09]

2009-09-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

I'm a weird, weird person.
Or maybe that's what I like to believe.

I've never meant to lie. Things. Thoughts. Believes. Feelings. All sometimes seem to be a certain way. I try my best to be honest, but is quite easy to notice the various inconsistencies in my life, in what I say, think and do.

It has never been my intension to lie. And when I say things I do mean then at the time, I guess things change, and my memory isn't as good to realize that everything used to be quite different.

I stick with my thesis, though. Human beings are quite difficult to define, and being one of them, only leaves me one choice.

Sometimes I choose not to care, some others I choose to care way too much, why I do this, is still a mystery and as time passes I can only realize that it isn't me who really chooses, despite what other people might say.

Tired, just like most of the times, somewhat sleepy and wishing something out there could take me off of this routine I usually call my life.

Quite a while ago.

2009-09-04T21:54:00.000-05:00

It might hurt
It might keep me awake the whole night
I might not take anything good from it
I might end up looking like a fool
I might get disappointed
I might cry myself to sleep
I might regret it later on
I might say all this is a lie
I might say I tired of it all
I might feel I'm not good enough
I might be blind
I might be wasting my time

But it...
It does make me happy
it does make me smile
It gives me hope to get up every morning
it makes me write
it makes me dream
gives me the feeling that things will somehow be how I want
allows me to believe that dreams do come true
Allows me to feel happy every time you're happy
And smile every time you smile

And I don't mind a little bit of sadness every once in a while,
A wet pillow now and then,
being weak for a while,
wasting my time,
being sleepy all day long,
giving up a couple of things,
feeling frustrated or disappointed
and I don't usually mind it isn't mutual.

I do mind that I might be doing this all wrong
wasting possible chances,
making one mistake after the other
bothering you unnecessarily
not being able to be myself for some weird and unknown reason...

but that might be just in my head, this might be an illusion that lasted way too long.
But now it is too late to make promises or make up mistakes
it's too late for excuses or a sincere apology
these four years went by so fast
I never did enjoy them as I should
perhaps I should had kept my mouth shut
and perhaps we'd still be friends
and none of these would have happened
and even if turning back time would make everything right
and even if mending my mistakes would get me where I'd like to be
there's nothing more I can do
nothing more I can say

[19-07-09]

2009-09-04T21:49:00.002-05:00

didn't expect anything else
a short exchange of words
more than uncommon
pleasant tranquility
I'm not missing too much
something isn't here
few things unsaid
one last time
A casual thing

[To be read in a uncommon way]

[25-06-09]

2009-09-04T21:46:00.000-05:00

After reading a couple of lines, after dropping a couple of tears about it, after reading again and smiling, after that one last goodbye.

It's not every day I get a sudden rush to lock myself away from the world, just like it's not every day something makes me cry and smile. A part from me, believes it, a part of me is certain he wrote that thinking about me, a part of me notices I'm the last, and now I can neither cry or smile. The feeling will fade away in a couple of minutes, as soon as I find something else to do, as soon as I close the book, for what I believe will be a long time.

[15-08-09]

2009-09-04T21:45:00.001-05:00

It's nothing but a dream
and although it's quite clear that the morning will be striking any time soon
although the sunlight might wake me any time now.
holding on was never so easy

self deceiving, which is often mistaken for hope
one cannot tell the difference after a while
but it doesn't actually matter
because dreams can be so sweet

For a person who's been dreaming for such a long time
I might just start to wake up
I might be the lightest of the sleepers
one would think waking up would only be the easiest.

But as I often claim
the more you sleep the harder it is to wake up
and for one whose dream are better than reality
it can only be harder.

I'm well aware that a different pair of glasses would make all the difference
a more objective sight of things might get me closer to the truth
but that's a thing I gave up on a long time ago
and a impaired vision seems to be over it all.

[04-09-09]

2009-09-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

Ese día ya era todo lo que era. Nada de su pasado cambió y por algún motivo yo sentía que él hacía su vida a medida que me la contaba. Es como si en ese momento él no fuera más que que un sujeto vacío, sin nada tras él que lo definiera, aunque sé muy bien que no era así. Me gusta pensar que hay algo importante en ese encuentro, que hay algo que se añade a su pasado a medida que vamos intercambiando palabras y efectivamente es así, es la importancia de este pasado lo que quiero conocer, para mi son las cosas ya bien distintas y ese pasado me define en cierta manera y soy diferente a ayer.

Me gusta su seriedad y su risa, me gusta la manera en que lo percibo así no coincida con la realidad. Y es que siempre me he de enamorar de mis propias ideas o es esto más común de lo que me gustaría creer. Las posibilidades me siguen cerrando el camino y por más que persista siento que es una de esas cosas perdidas desde el principio. Siempre se puede esperar, aunque pasa que lo único que cambia es la duración de los días, se acortan a ratos, sólo para volverse largos cierto tiempo después.

Yo no sé qué debo pensar, no sé qué debo hacer. La experiencia no me puede guiar más, prefiero pasar por el mismo mal camino a quedarme quieta por puro miedo a volver a perder. Seguramente volveré a perder pues el final parece mucho más un sueño que una realidad, un sueño que simplemente no se puede tomar seriamente sin perder las ganas de sonreír.

[03-09-09]

2009-09-04T21:34:00.001-05:00

11:30

"La desesperación por algo que llamamos amor y el amargo sabor de no haber escrito nada bueno en mucho tiempo"
"Se hunde, en las horas infinitas de un día que jamás debió pasar"
"Muchas mentiras, ensordecen, no se saben, y sin embargo dejan atrás una huella, que pocos llegan a percibir, pero bastante claras para alguien como yo"
"Deja de pensar en rato, las palabras no son reales hasta que las haces tangibles y si no es esa la intensión, más vale olvidar"
"Esperar está lejos de ser lo peor, es lo peor dejar de esperar y hundirse en un día que jamás debió pasar"
"Y no pasa, no pasa algo que sólo pasa una vez, si no hay retorno no pasa de verdad, no es del todo real"
"La conciencia más allá de hechos pasajeros, más allá de simples recuerdos que bien pudieron nunca haber pasado"
"Una especie de magia, sí de magia, revuela al rededor de una esfera sin tener más motivos que el mismo revolar al rededor"
"Existen muy pocas cosas, demasiado leves, demasiado pequeñas como para que cuenten en algo, pero a la vez parecen ser las más importantes"
"Y a veces siento que las cosas pesan más de lo que deberían y me pregunto qué es ese nuevo peso que sobre ellas ha caído"
"Sonidos variados sin intensión o sentido en sí mismo, pero es que acaso algo lo tiene?"
"Pasan los segundos, pasan para dar lugar al sol, sol que seguramente saldrá mañana"

[28-08-09]

2009-08-28T23:55:00.003-05:00

Writing in this state of mind isn't probably the best thing to do.
mind altering substances can barely allow me what I want to write.

Out off all the things that happened today, the most important is that my fears are actually true. I tend to imagine things that are not there, and this is only another example. Holding hands isn't something one would do with just anyone, and a strange fear conquers me, what now? Everything should stay the same, a couple of seconds later and I wouldn't even find out, timing is an important thing, it does define a great deal of things and now I'm all by myself, not being able to think straight and with the feeling that since next Monday things will never be the same.

But god knows that if that was the worse thing happening right now it wouldn't be half bad; there are no feelings left within me. today I also saw somebody else, someone that used to be even more important, and there was nothing, after a couple of words shared, I realized that my feelings were replaced, by something that never existed at all.

It doesn't surprises me, these are the kinds of things that happen to me, and I've gotten used to it, it was about time. Things never do go the way I want them to and there is probably no one there for me at all.

Simple truths I've always know but for some weird reasons I still had the hope. Some things do lift it up, but never quite as high as I need them to be.

Sorry for the mistakes, I am both tired and a little bit too drunk to care for it, I do hope that it makes sense.

[28-08-09]

2009-08-28T00:34:00.000-05:00

I grow too close too quickly, something tells me this will be different, but then again I only hear what I want to. I don't want this to be just another frustration for the list, and even though I might be afraid, I've never been good for stopping this sorts of things.

It hasn't been this strong in a long time and it's a feeling I definitely missed. This is the sort of thing that is good in itself, it doesn't need an end to make it all worth it, but why do I have to feel as if there was too much theory for so little practice.

I now I shouldn't worry about it, I'm happy and feeling something I never thought that would arrive so soon, but I feel quite vulnerable, and what if this is the same story only with different characters? and what if the next four years turn out to be just like the last?

It probably wouldn't be half bad, but wouldn't it be better if I, at least this one time, got to get what I want and what I think I deserve.

Mixed feelings, nothing particularly new, but things feel somewhat new, perhaps I've already forgotten how beginnnings are.

But it's probably too soon, and tonight might be one of those nights when something stands between me and reality, making me see things differently. Perhaps I should let happen whatever it is that needs to happen, sit back and leave the worries behind, enjoy the moment and turn off thinking for a while.

[19-08-09]

2009-08-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

there are only so many chances
and so little time
makes it absurd to just think that it can actually happen

and I never did mind waiting
no matter how lost of a cause that is
and these days hope leaves me
only to return some other day.
I'm sure.

[01-08-09]

2009-08-01T21:43:00.002-05:00

New things usually lead to new thoughts, new opinions and a new perspective. Those haven't quite arrieved yet, but are definitely on their way. The feeling of the last two weeks is unexplainable, both confusing and fun, new and somewhat old, and a series of other adjectives that are yet to be invented, or yet to be learnt.

I finally opened a new door, a door I've been expecting for so long, a door I've been dreaming of, a door that promise to be everything I want and perhaps a bit more.

This whole thing is refreshing and everyone who said it'd be pretty different was right. Letting go a couple of things behind isn't even half as bad as I thought it would, actually, it is relieving, I feel like I can start a new life now, where no one knows who I used to be.

Is this going to become a new dream, a new illusion, but basically the same thing, only with different characters and a different scenario? Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't be bad at all, but is it what I really want?

I tend to take things with an unnecessary level of seriousness, I tend to see things out of perspective, and only when I do get things in order, only then I realize, that it's not so bad.

Start again, once again, quicker that I thought, makes me think that it's more like a need, would happen one way or another, inevitable in its own impossibility, and here I am, once again starting something I've never been able to finish.

[12-07-09]

2009-07-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

please don't take a picture

[05-07-09]

2009-07-06T12:33:00.002-05:00

Nostalgia is something I've always felt, and times like these only make it stronger, there are thousands of things I loved from the life I used to have, but perhaps I'll get to do all those things again. To an extend, at the very least.

Looking back makes me feel like I didn't live it to the fullest; I stayed too many nights at home, didn't laugh enough, didn't enjoy every second of it, didn't even learn all the things I was meant to. But I probably did go out many nights, I laugh until I cried several times, perhaps I did enjoy every second that went by and I definitely did learn a lot of things. It is this distance, the fact that I'll never get to do it again, the fact that the memories are way too faded for me to realize that it wouldn't be half bad, if these were in fact the best years of my life.

22 hours later

Days go by and it may seem as if nothing particularly important was going on, certain qualities within me help me hide all that goes through my mind, things that only get to see the light when nobody else is watching. I never thought I'd be easy and for a while it was good, but things change, I only take comfort in the fact that they will continue to do so.

But perfect is not something I really want to be. that's just me trying to be strong. But the truth is, I don't care for that, there are bigger and more important things, which I'm not quite sure, whether or not to follow.

I know we're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel that something has been lost

But please you know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect
Perfect strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind

So far I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was...

Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on

So please, you always were so free
You'll see, I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we sleep

Perfect
You know this has to be
We always were so free
We promised that we'd be
Perfect

I promise that we'll be

[21-06-09]

2009-06-23T00:52:00.000-05:00

The words are still written, even if folded, hidden under 5 books, even if ignored, even if forgotten.
All the things I've written down, all the things I've thought about, All the things I've ever felt.. they are all still there, no matter how long it's been, there's still a bit of every past self within me, and that's something I can't deny.

[09-06-09]

2009-06-09T23:29:00.002-05:00

I'll write about something else today, for a change, finally.
No loneliness, no that guy, no frustration, no, something different.

This has been open for a good half a hour and I try to avoid the fact that I haven't come up with anything yet... Maybe today's just not the day to write, which would explain the mediocre essay I wrote today; not too bad, but I wasn't particularly exited when she said written works were meant to be published, or when that guy leaned over to read it, especially when his essay was pretty good and deserving of pride.

Today I got to do what I don't get the chance to do as often as I'd like to. Being alone, walking, watching people, feeling completely free to do whatever I feel like doing. And I did. For a while I felt I fitted perfectly in, right after which I felt quite the opposite, and the feelings kept shifting and I remembered it was only day 1.

It is a bit awkward for me when I don't have an specific thing to do, possibly due to the fact that I can be quite rigid, perhaps? Or maybe it's just shyness. This reminds me of a question I was asked today, I utterly hate to describe myself when I am asked to, I don't know what to say, because nothing is true. I might be honest, but I do lie. I might see things from different points of view, but I am biased sometimes. I might be shy, but not even half of the time. I might be intelligent, but I make the same mistakes more than once. I might be driven, but then again I get distracted easily And although I often describe myself in here, I am never forced to do it, I never do arrive to any conclusion I just keep writing endlessly about a topic, and I don't think that they'd appreciate reading something of that sort.

I use waaay too many adverbs and I don't know whether that is good or bad. Bah, it's probably bad.

[06-06-09]

2009-06-06T01:53:00.002-05:00

The sand in my hair hasn't completely washed out, and there's a slight scent of salt in my skin, along with a couple of memories that define how the future will be.

I've always been afraid of making mistakes, I believe I've made it clear in this year I've been writing this blog, but apparently fear is useless and I keep making too many of them. Even when I'm careful enough, even when I try my hardest not to talk, someone else does it for me.

And if I ever had hope, and if I ever expected things to change, then I was wrong, perhaps something greater than me tries to tell me it isn't supposed to happen.

I found a note I wrote on January the 8th of 2006, over three years. It clearly states how everything happened, things I had completely forgotten. Once an important philosopher said that it was important to know why things came to be, and whether or not the reason was still there.

My reason isn't here anymore. I did learn that I wasn't true, and yet everything continued.

There are things that are never supposed to happen.

And tomorrow, tomorrow [today] was supposed to be a great day, and it probably will, but deep inside, knowing that it might be one of the last I get to see him, knowing that I won't be able to look at him in the eyes and that there will be no "hi", no wave, no nothing, knowing that it will be just how it was today [yesterday]. It kind of make me want not to go, but at the same time, one last time, I shouldn't waste, even if it hurts a little bit.

But there is a brighter side, Today, I am more than willing to start over, to start over and finally closing a chapter that lasted way too long.

[03-06-09]

2009-06-03T23:38:00.002-05:00

Nostalgia has officially begun.

Adjusting to an idea that I've been dreading for a long time, four not so long years. Insisted way too much, not only my friends but also me, have had enough, but then again I haven't gotten anything. After so many mistakes and not enough words, so many regrets and not enough actions, so many dreams and not enough sleep, after everything, life goes on as if nothing had happened. And it might be true, that is wasn't anything especial. It might be true, that it wasn't real. But it is also true that, to me, it was especial, to me, it was real.
Keeping myself from doing what I feel like doing, and for some extrange reason, it has never been so easy.
I don't feel quite well and it's been a week exactly, I don't feel quite well and it isn't getting any better, if anything the opposite.
Minutes go by and nothing happens. Minutes go by and I can't stop them. Minutes go by and you keep getting farther and farther away.
The distance grows larger as time passes. Only one night, only one morning, and it seems as if it was only yesterday, when I dreamt, that there might be a chance, it could last forever.
I am going to honestly give everything up, not forgetting but just leaving behind. Embrace my new life as scary, sad or uncertain as it might seem. And I'll try never to look behind.

[19-05-09]

2009-05-19T20:37:00.002-05:00

An overwhelming feeling takes over me. I enjoy it until a certain extent, when I realize what it actually is. I get a strong need of writing, some call it inspiration, an idea that somehow reached me, an idea that I can hardly believe comes from within me. Something I've never really experienced, and yet is there, is there and nothing seems to take it away, fortunately?

there are a million things ahead, a million things I've never seen, and probably will never see. I'm left with nothing but the strong feeling that things will be okay, a weird feeling of certainty I've been missing for a while.

Secretly wishing this could stay this way, at least for a little longer. I know I'll miss a lot of things, or perhaps miss one thing a lot.. There's no way of knowing it yet.

Or there is..., I've always known what I wanted, I just kept pushing things away, making excuses up, just to keep the situation this way, afraid of change, rejection and fail. But is it worth it? Is this the best way to live life? will I miss a lot of things if I keep acting this way?

Probably not. Pretty sure it isn't. No doubt about it.

And yet nothing changes. God knows I've tried, it's just too difficult, or perhaps I've never really tried, maybe this is just another excuse.

[18-05-09]

2009-05-18T23:05:00.001-05:00

I close my eyes and put my hands on the keyboard hoping that everything will turn out to be fine. I let the finger move and type hoping that the fluency will strike any time and they will suddenly start moving on their own, getting caught in the moment and write all those things I can't.

I can't stop feeling guilty, which only makes me realize what might had been going on before, perhaps this is happening so that I can understand how things were, how it felt, and I never did realize it was this hard and I wonder if the lesson here is to just walk away.

Walk away, but never quite give up. I have a feeling that I will be forever waiting to have a chance, as pathetic as it might seem. I dream every day and every night, an as much as I love to, and as much as I claim I don't mind, it's getting harder to believe my own lies.

Maybe nothing is ever what it seems and the idea I have is far from real. Maybe everything I've pictured throughout the years is nothing more than a picture, but what ever lead me to believe it could come true? Because it's hard to believe such a strong feeling was never real.

There are so many things happening, so many thoughts passing through my mind and yet none of them is really important at all. What really is important might be lying a couple of minutes away, or maybe years, or it migth not even exist. there is nothing left to say, nothing important that is.

[04-05-09]

2009-05-04T19:02:00.000-05:00

Thinking like this has never lead me to anything good.
But these kinds of thoughts are quite difficult to avoid
And as many thoughts i have, I'd still feel the same fear combined with saddness and a bit of hope that just doesn't seem to go away.
One would think that there are only so many things that can go wrong, but these series of events prove it wrong.
As many tears that fall out of off my eyes, as many words i try to write, they never seems to take it away.
It's funny how people fight to keep it and I'm fighting for the exact opposite reason.
This, along with getting my hopes up with no need of a particular reason, are the things I should had learnt not to do a long time ago, and yet the easyness in which they come is overhelming.
Denial has lost all power apparently, since I can barely remember the last time I said it was over.

But now it has to be. It has to be.

[24-04-09]

2009-04-24T21:35:00.001-05:00

The wall, it keeps me from everything I want. I don't know if i've set my mind to see it that way or if they are only a series of coincidences, but everything seems to go anyway, but the one I want. Frustrating, right?

And what if part of me likes the impossibility of the situation? What if I like not being able to do anything to change things for the better because I am scared?

Usually this kind of idea would make me write a lot more, but I'm utterly tired and much rather go to bed now.

[17-04-09]

2009-04-20T22:57:00.001-05:00

It's been a while
and perhaps it'll continue being
I just force myself to believe that maybe there is still hope
The is no real way of knowing but the uncertainty won't make me give up on something I've waited for so long.
Sometimes, sometimes like today, I feel everything is right, and everything will end up being like I've always wanted it to be, while some others feel like everything is too hard and far away, not even unlikely to happen, but impossible.
I try to hold on to days like these, I try to think the best and believe everything will be okay, but there are things I just can't ignore.
There are so many other options, and even though they are not bad at all, they will never be more than the plan B, choosing them will not fade away the fact that I'd choose the first one any day and that wouldn't be fair at all.

I've spent too much time like this, and I'd like to know what it's like. People say that's what I need, but as much as I want to, I just can't see how.

[06-04-09]

2009-04-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

It worries me, the fact that I haven't come up with something to write about, there were weeks when I couldn't stop getting new ideas, nights when I would wake up to a great thought and I made myself memorize it or stand up to take a piece of paper and a pencil to write them down. Now the words hardly get typed, or written or even thought. One of the few things I was proud of seems to be slipping away and as bad as I hold on to it, it only gets farther and farther.

[03-04-09]

2009-04-20T22:53:00.001-05:00

I have the wrong concept of life, I've lived according to a certain set of rules for my entire life and lately it has changed a lot, and now there's nothing but a mixture that isn't quite defined and doesn't make much sense. I might be in the middle of a crises, I've chosen to ignore it and has been leading me to a path I'm not so interested in walking.

I only wish I had someone to talk about all this, someone who cared and help, and probably I have someone like that already and it's just that I don't like to bother anyone, not to mention with something I can't even describe. Dialog has never been my strongest point, and I doubt it'll ever be.

So many things are happening, I keep wasting my time with things that appear unimportant and refuse to do the things that must be done.

[17-02-09]

2009-04-20T22:50:00.001-05:00

Nunca he reconocido nada en mí misma, si pienso que soy buena para matemáticas o que puedo escribir bien, es porque un día alguien lo dijo y yo simplemente me lo creí, alguien un día cualquiera dijo lo que pensaba de mí y yo simplemente le creí.

Conocerse a uno mismo, ¿Qué puede ser eso? yo he convivido conmigo desde hace un poco más de 18 años ya, y sin embargo no me conozco ni un poco, no sé lo que me gusta ni para qué soy buena, no sé que haría en una situación determinada y para ser sincera es mejor así.

Creo que los seres humanos son cada uno no sólo diferente sino infinitamente complejo y un par de palabras que alguna vez definieron un concepto no pueden llegar a describir algo que está en cambio constante. No digo que soy inteligente, no digo que escribo bien, no digo que soy honesta, no digo que soy buena amiga, no digo que soy buena hija y no digo nada de mí misma, cualquier cosas que alguien diga sobre otro ser humano no puede estar sino equivocada, desde que nadie es una sola cosa hasta que no podría serla todo el tiempo.

¿Cuál es el afán de diferenciarnos y definirnos? ¿No es acaso mucho mejor tener las puertas a bierta a lo que sea que pueda llegar a ser?

[10-02-09]

2009-04-20T22:46:00.001-05:00

And yet again the same old kind of depression. I can't help to wonder if this is going to haunt me for as long as I'll live. I keep telling myself that it's not too bad and that some people live their whole life that way, and I'm sure strong enough to do so. But, wouldn't it be nice to just feel like...
apparently it is.

Nothing hurts me quite as much as loving something and is, or at least seems to be, unreachable, something that makes me cry and laugh and smile and even get a bit angry sometimes.

I shouldn't put too much thought into things, that's what has always made me confused, desperate and sad, not exactly the best mixture of feelings ever.

Well at least I got to take my mind off of some other things...

[16-03-09] later on

2009-03-16T23:28:00.003-05:00

Maybe one night, in thirty years, I'll have a dream. A dream of those times when I was sixteen or seventeen. Maybe that night, I'll wake up to find myself in love with you, to find that none of those feelings left, but here hidden all along, until the day they finally found an outlet, an outlet in pair of eyes that have a slight resemblance with yours, or in one night's dream, the sort of dream that one never forgets, the sort of dream one treasures because it is the last memory of something that never did happen.

A mark is nothing and I'm willing to pay.

[16-03-09]

2009-03-16T22:47:00.000-05:00

Me gusta cuando una canción todavía no me es familiar, cuando no la he escuchado tantas veces y aún conserva su encanto inicial.

[03-03-09]

2009-03-03T20:13:00.005-05:00

Act 4 Scene 23

She was standing by the door, she had a vague idea of what he was supposed to do, it was around the time he would walk by. She came inside and out again, the feeling of anxiety was filling her as the seconds passed. She looked around to see all the people that usually hang out with him, she saw a figure that somewhat resemble him, she wasn't wearing her glasses so it took her a while until she was sure it was him. They hadn't talk in a while, a while that was more like months, which were more like years. Time had passed by quick enough to surprise her with its speed, she couldn't believe it had been almost 4 years since she met him, they both changed so much and yet she still felt what she claimed was a bond that held them together despite the time apart. They'd still wave and smile whenever they saw each other, it was a bit awkward sometimes, but not enough to make them stop doing it. Some times they would meet at parties and exchange a word or two, but it never did last more than a couple of minutes. She tries her best not to look at it the wrong way, she tries to love the feeling for what it is, and put aside the fact that it isn't shared, she knows it's a shame, but there's nothing she can do.

She stared directly into his eyes while he was walking by, then his lips and his hair and his whole body, he had a particular way of walking and she had always liked to watch him. She tried to focus and distinguish the sound of his voice, which just happened to be one of her favorite sounds. They wave at each other, as usual and even smile shyly. She then entered into the room and sat down to start English class.

---

PS: it does sound like a story =]

[28-02-09]

2009-02-28T22:10:00.000-05:00

You never do realize you are wearing glasses, until you notice how out of proportion you used to see things.

[26-02-09]

2009-02-26T20:32:00.001-05:00

I've made up with myself. Everything feels more sincere, I get to see my life from a completely different perspective and it's refreshig. I've lived within the same old white walls that kept me from seeing the outside, I was isolated in such a way that for a second I was almost convinced that there was no outside at all. New dreams, new hopes and new fears come along, non of which I regret. As of now, I'm making some decisions that might be life changing, it's indeed frightening, but that won't stop me from doing it. It's my life after all and nothing too bad can bring this feeling along.

[25-02-09]

2009-02-25T17:55:00.002-05:00

Two, three emotions per second. The sounds outside my head couldn't be any more different. My eyes are open to a whole new perspective, and my reason comes down to a not so simple part of life, which I cannot avoid as much as I want to. And yet a huge weight is lifted, I get to breathe and everything is simpler than I ever imagined. I'm about to start, even though it may seem too late. It never meant that everything was wrong and should change, I have dreams I'd like to follow, different things I'd like to to happen, hopes and expectations I just cannot let go of, simply because the only thought of them makes me smile, and it's good to smile. I might be wrong or I might be right, it's completely besides the point, because at the end none of that matters at all. I'll live one day at a time, getting by, looking ahead to the day I die.

[24-02-09]

2009-02-24T19:50:00.001-05:00

Today something brought me back to my past, a place I don't quite want to be at right now. I've realized how nothing's ever they way I think it'd be, but something different, which only reassueres what I've always "believed" in, things are always trying to surprise me, no matter how many different beginnings, how many different scenarios, how many different lines or how many different endings, they never get to come true, just the only little things I miss are the ones who actually come into being. Maybe if I was more of a pessimist my life'd be better...

I am very well used to getting my hopes up for anything, but if I think about it enough I always arrieve at the same conclusion; I don't want anything but... No matter how many chances, no matter how good the might seem, theres always an "option" that looks way better than the others, I afraind I'll never be happy because nothing will ever top that, much less go over it.

There's time and a lot more to get to know, I should not give much thought into it, and perhaps it'll be just as good as I'd imagine it.

[16-02-09]

2009-02-16T21:49:00.000-05:00

You never know how closed your mind is until you try to open it.

[02-02-09]

2009-02-02T18:15:00.002-05:00

I had been a while since I last felt truly sad, that if it ever happened. It just keeps getting worse and worse with every second and I can't help it. No one is there for me, and even if they were I wouldn't take their confort because I can only believe my own lies.

This probably seems fake, but the tears filling my eyes and this strong feeling within me leave no room for doubt. I hate feeling this way and I can tell that people around me do as well, they find me annoying and don't want to have anything to do with it.

These are the moments when I regret being alone, when I hate my weakness more than usual, when I wish nights were longer so I could sleep and dream and wouldn't have to deal with this.

No one knows I'm going through all of this. No one has any idea of what I'm feeling now, not even my brother who's juas a wall away. It kills me that no one notices, it just shows me just how important I really am.

How could I not hate this time of the year?
I'll all soon change, for good hopefully.

Not tonight and not for me.

[02-02-09]

2009-02-02T09:39:00.001-05:00

I know it's over.

To be honest I kind of missed the feeling of hating everything I do, don't get me wrong, it's not like I like the feeling I just realized how long it had been since I last felt it. For a while, after reading what I'd written, I still liked it, it has all changed, I deeply despise everything that I have written in the past month or so. I scares me that I won't be good enough, but then again nothing makes me as happy, still frustrates me. This is definitely not the greatest point of my life, not only I'm not happy with myself but others seem yo be bothered as well, and even when they are nice I feel it's just a lie, I guess I recognize them from what I tell myself sometimes.

I wonder if they are just lies that I tell myself, or if people can't see it. I've always thought that a human being is difficult to define. I can't say I'm honest, since I've lied at some point. I can't say I'm funny when I'm serious sometimes, I can't say I'm organized because I keep my locker neat when it's sometimes hard to find anything in my closet, I can't say I'm intelligent, when I've done a fool of myself so many times. I can't say I'm responsible, when I have procrastinated. I can't say I'm nice, when I know that I not always am. I can't say I'm easy to get along with when it's not always like that. I can't say I'm good enough when I wish I was somewhat different.

Fuck strict definitions I don't act according a code, I haven't been just programmed to answer in a certain way. I act the way I feel like acting and if people don't like it then fuck off I never did care for them anyway. The problem comes when I'm not pleased with myself I cannot just say fuck off. The hardest person to get along with is oneself. Or at least that's how I feel.

How and why should change the way I am. Should I change it at all?

I claim I what to know and learn so many things, and yet I'm willing to lie to myself in such a shameless way. that is not looking for the truth, that is not getting to know oneself, That is choosing a fucking mask I'm pleased with.

I've always said that I've never cared for what people say or think of me, so why their disapproval hits me so hard? and why their approval makes me feel better about myself?

I guess that's why I'm on my own tonight; maybe I always take the easy way. I have always been a weak kid after all, god know I'd like everything to be different.

And I know that in a short while I'll be as happy as I can be, because that's just how my mood works.

[30-01-09]

2009-01-30T18:42:00.002-05:00

I wish I could redefine the meaning of pathetic so I could change it to everything I'm not, but unfortunately I cannot.
The bright side is that I'll get to read Nietzsche, I enjoy that as well.
No wonder why I love this day, it's full of great fucking memories.

[26-01-09]

2009-01-26T21:40:00.001-05:00

I've been sitting on this wall since I was fourteen years old but they've decided to tear it down since it is useless, so I guess I'll have to sit somewhere else, or better, stand for a while.
--------------------

Siento que tengo mi blog olvidado y eso me hace sentir mal. Aunque sí escribo casi todos los días al menos un par de frases importantes, no he podido escribir como hace unos meses y no sé por qué, tal vez por la misma razón del Reloj-Robot. De vez en cuando siento que soy alguien completamente diferente y algunas personas incluso lo notan y no sé por qué a veces soy de un modo y a veces de otro. A veces creo que esto me hace ser hipócrita conmigo misma, a veces me parece que cada uno tiene diferentes facetas que se manifiestan en momentos diferentes y este es sólo uno de ellos. Quiero un cambio grande y ya.

[17-01-09]

2009-01-17T21:40:00.000-05:00

5 fingers are enough
one for every thing I love the most
even though everyone seems to have them all
just a few actually do
one of them being you.

[15-01-09]

2009-01-15T20:45:00.000-05:00

Nunca he tenido una opinión concreta de mi misma, nunca he tenido una opinión en lo absoluto. No sé si me gusta quien soy o si me molesta, y aunque tal vez haya dicho lo contrario alguna vez, ésta sólo estaba basada en sentimientos pasajeros que tuve en ese momento pero que se desvanecieron y cambiaron después de pasadas unas horas.

No, no le quiero decir es que no he podido establecer una opinión constante, clara y razonable de mi misma, tal vez es por la subjetividad a la que está sujeta, para bien o para mal, o tal vez es porque aún no tengo el conocimiento necesario de mi misma y a decir verdad no creo que lo pueda llegar a alcanzar algún día.

ha habido veces donde siento que soy mejor que algunos a mi alrededor, otras donde es más bien lo contrario, pero ambas vienen de afuera, ambas están condicionadas por diferentes agentes ninguno siendo yo misma, y sin embargo en ese momento parece que vinieran justo de allí.

[Just a couple of weeks ^^]

[13-01-09]

2009-01-13T21:39:00.002-05:00

You're everything I'm not and god knows I'm only a few things
Maybe it was true when I heard that most people tend to lie
And it was nothing but a dream I was trying too hard not to wake up from
I used to believe that not so many people could be wrong
But after careful thinking it's obvious only a few can really see.

Some things are just not meant to be
Most dreams are just never meant to come true
Just like most tears were never meant to even fall
Or at least that's what I've heard.

Quite a few emotions go around my mind
And even though that's nothing new
I used to be always sure at the time, even if it was just to change my mind a couple of seconds later
But now the certainty has left me to be surrounded by doubt.

Is it that wrong to be waiting for the end, with the hope that, perhaps, it'll be a little more like the beginning?

[04-01-09]

2009-01-05T20:26:00.002-05:00

I wrote this story in this website, which I found pretty useful and entertaining.

The next morning, when they woke up, the sky was all red, and then they knew that the end of the world was too close and they would never be able to find their mothers or anyone else for that matter. So they decided to do what they should had done from the beginning; they sat side by side and shared what probably were their last words. They talk about how great being a dinosaur was and what a shame it was that they'd never get the chance to live a full life, they did not complain, they knew that there was more than just this one life, they just thought it was a shame they didn't get to be dinosaurs any longer. They liked the length of their necks, they liked all the respect they got (even though they were just kids), they liked the color of their skin as well as those things growing from their heads all the way to the bottom of their tails.

But they were also very excited about the new life they were going to have, they'd always heard that the next important species in the Earth will be humans and that was what they were going to become after their death or at least that was what the legend said. They both firmly believe in the legend they had head innumerable times, but couldn't help but wonder if they'll be as powerful as they were now, they were sure it wouldn't be as great as being a dinosaur since humans were too small and not even half as pretty or intelligent. "Maybe they'll evolve" one said, the other simply nodded just to be polite as he hid the tears that were about to leave his eyes.

They continue talking as one big red cloud [redder than the sky] approached them. They had to stop when they realized the great landscape that was coming to be before their eyes, one of them wondered if it was all worth it just for the sight, he thought it was and admired what would probably be the last day of his dinosaur life.

They could see how the red cloud killed everything as it outshone the little sunlight that still reached the earth. The little dinosaurs stepped back a little but then they stood still, because they were not afraid, perhaps a bit sad but definitely not afraid. And they both faced their death with straight necks.

[11-05-08]

2008-12-23T13:41:00.002-05:00

y los doce abriles se volvieron rápidamente diecisiete
y de repente era hora ya de volver al camino
o más bien de seguir caminando
ya ha pasado la época en la cual se puede quedar inmóvil viendo sin mirar
quedarse parado junto al camino, para sólo pensar
ya no se puede dar el lujo de pensar las mismas cosas
o de disfrutar lo que se ve
diecisiete es bastante
bastante también son dos, dos y medio y, si llega, también tres
será que para entonces ya no habrá necesidad?
o tal vez ya no quiera más.

El mundo se abre ante mis ojos
temo que el aire fresco me enferme
después de todo, ha pasado un tiempo
desde la última vez que tuve la oportunidad de disfrutar la frialdad
la última se quedo conmigo,
el mismo aire, dos, dos y medio, tres años
también podría morir por sobredosis

Ahora que he confirmado el inexplicable sentimiento que tan sutilmente me ha acompañado por trece o doce años
el sentimiento de la pronta caducidad
pronta o prematura, no es muy claro
ahora ya cuento con las posibles razones
lo acepté hace tiempo
aceptación o resignación
difícil de diferenciar en espacial a tan corta edad.
otro sentimiento del cual no cabe la menor duda
es el de trascendencia
será corto pero no superfluo en lo absoluto

Es algo que nunca he podido explicar
no lo he intentado lo suficiente tal vez
sólo una vez se me ocurrió confesarlo
al no ser la mejor de las confesiones
no tuve mayor bienvenida como lo demás que suelo decir
y fue más bien ignorado y negado
lo que debo admitir es una relativamente buena señal
y me sentí en un buen lugar

Pero, es acaso mejor una buena reacción
que un profundo entendimiento de la situación?
No fui yo quién eligió semejante sentimiento
o la posibilidad
es sólo un sentimiento
puede estar mal
no sería sorpresa
no es como si nunca lo hubiera estado

Al escribir a veces no me siento yo
a veces siento que me transporto
y veo mis escritos, mas que como conjuntos de palabras
como conjuntos de colores mezclados en diferentes cantidades dependiendo de cada uno
este amarillo
extraño porque no me gusta el amarillo
tal vez por el aire primaveral que toma desde un comienzo
que no ha logrado evolucionar con el texto
el color es la más básica de los impresiones
Amarillo
En fin...

doscientos cincuenta y tres melocotones en exhibición
doscientos cincuenta y dos
doscientos cincuenta y OCHO
menos, un poquito menos
pero no tarda en, no sólo recuperar, sino en ganar
no hay nada que pueda hacer en su contra
es parte de mi
me ha herido
me ha alegrado,
no es ni bueno ni malo
no hay nada de nada
y sin embargo lo veo todo
todo cuanto quiero ver ahí esta
tardo en diferenciar lo realidad de los sueños
sueños de recuerdos
recuerdos de imaginación
y el ciclo continúa
con o sin mi ayuda, de alguna manera el mecanismo se activa
a veces sí, a veces no
toda una noche inundada en la incapacidad de conciliar el otro
doscientos noventa melocotones
deben estar en cosecha
deben ser baratos
qué pasará nadie los quiere
no son tan perfectos pero sin duda tienen buen sabor
es que acaso no es así?
desde adentro todo se siente y sabe bien
es que acaso no ves que le es imposible hablar
¿Quién ha visto un melocotón hablar?
sería de lo más raro
y nadie se atreve a probar
aunque sea una sola vez?
el dulce sabor de uno?
trescientos dos
trescientos cuatro
trescientos doce
trescientos diecisiete.

crece y crece
lenta pero constantemente
ojalá un día de estos
alguien...

[01-12-08]

2008-12-10T20:56:00.001-05:00

Un instante que dura segundos, que dura horas, que dura días y meses, un instante que parece no tener fin, un instante donde se alcanzan a sentir miles de cosas, donde se alcanzan a ver pasar miles de imágenes y se escuchan miles de sonidos, y aún así, se siente como si nada pasara y fuera insignificante, y así miles de piezas insignificantes se unen para armar algo con significado, y yo no entiendo.

Yo no entiendo muchas cosas, son tantas que ni sé por donde empezar, desafortunadamente, creo que no hay respuesta o después de tanto pensar ya habría dado con ellas, pero sigo con la misma duda que he tenido por bastante tiempo ya.

Y otro escrito sobre todo y nada, que ni yo sé que significará, que querré decir con él, cuál será su propósito, si es que tiene uno.

Hoy es uno de esos días donde me siento y escribo un sin número de palabras que brotan con total naturalidad de mí, no es algo que pase tan seguido, es más bien raro y me gustaríia aprovechar cada segundo de él.

Doy la impresión de ser alguien que en verdad no soy [O al menos diferente a la manera en que usualmente me perciben, que tampoco llega a acercarse lo suficiente a la realidad, como para decir que es más fiel].

Ya no sólo le temo a desilusionarme, sino a desilusionar a los demás, a veces siento que todos esperan mucho de mí y la verdad es que si me conociera tanto como las personas a mi alrededor no esperaría tanto.

[10-12-08]

2008-12-10T20:45:00.002-05:00

I've made so many mistakes, I've made a fool of myself so many times, that I don't longer care, perhaps this is who I am; these are the kind of things that happen to me and they're not all that bad. There are certain things that just are not up to me and spending sleepless nights just because things didn't go as planed are worthless.

It makes me happy, it makes me smile like only a few things in life can, but it also makes me hate myself because I cannot be my own self, I become someone else out of the fear of failing, which it a failure in the first place, I'd like to learn how to be myself no matter where I am or who I am with.

Sometimes I feel that nothing will ever be enough and no matter how hard I try I won't deserve it. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, since everyone seems to think it makes perfect sense, why can't they see it? I wish they could hear every word. I like the kind of things like the one that happened, because I still have the hope they will open their eyes and see that...

"Don't - tell me what I wanna hear
Afraid of never knowing fear
Experience anything you need
I'll keep fighting jealousy
Until it's fucking gone"

"So far I still know who you are, but now I wonder who I was..."

[29-11-08]

2008-11-29T22:56:00.002-05:00

Siempre he vivido en un pequeño cuarto, por lo general me siento bien en él, me paseo, me siento, observo... Pero de vez en cuando siento la necesidad de salir, existe una pequeña puerta, pero me he dado cuenta de que es difícil de abrir, muy pesada y yo soy una persona débil. Pero también hay una ventana, está algo por encima de mí, sin embargo alcanzo a ver alrededor si me paro en puntas de piés, claro que esto es algo incomodo entonces mis visiones del mundo no duran tanto como me gustaría. A veces la curiosidad mata al dolor y me quedo por horas mirando por la ventana, viendo la gente pasar, también pasan por mí varios sentimiento ciertamente contradictorios por lo cual no he podido decidir si quiero u odio a mi pequeño cuarto.

Siempre he tenido la esperanza de que alguien abra la puerta por mi, que me deje salir y me lleve a otro lugar, un lugar diferente con espacios más abiertos. Me acerco a la puerta pegando el oído a ella para así poder escuchar si alguien se acerca. Escucho atentamente por horas, de vez en cuando oigo pisadas acercandose y luego desapareciendo, a veces me parece que oigo que se detienen al frente, trato de hacer ruidos para llamar su atención pero nada muy fuerte porque tampoco es esa la idea. Siempre pasa que siguen su camino después de un rato.

Creo que he tomado la decisión, me gustaría salir y ver el mundo sin la distracción de un vidrio entre nosotros, pero es algo que no puedo hacer sola, nunca me ha gustado esperar, nunca me ha gustado depender y sin embargo así ha sido mi vida desde que la recuerdo. Ésto es algo que hace que todo cambie pues no tiene sentido.

[25-11-08]

2008-11-26T16:20:00.004-05:00

Since I've written so many bad things lately, I though that it would be good to make a list of the things I like doing... in no particular order [actually, in the order they pop into my mind...], here it goes...

I enjoy...
-Reading
-Writing
-Having interesting and meaningful conversation, specially when the person I'm talking to doesn't agree with me.
-Remembering something that I wouldn't normally remember [which is pretty much anything since my memory isn't one of my strong points, unfortunately].
-Dreaming, literally [not to be confused with sleeping]
-Daydreaming
-When people do something nice unexpectedly.
-Eating chocolate.
-Learning something new.
-Those weird moments when everything feels perfect, even if it's not.
-The weird things I think about when I'm about to fall asleep.
-Trying to remember those weird things I thought about before falling asleep.
-Laughing at myself when I finally remember them.
-Laughing at myself in general as long as it won't put me in an uncomfortable situation.
-Lunch time.
-Chiztime [or however that thing is spelled]
-Smile
-Bake =]
-When I actually understand the jokes of my German Teacher.
-When I actually understand my German teacher.
-Getting that feeling that I'm alive, and therefore everything is good, or can be good.
-A good joke.
-When someone smiles back at me.
-When someone understands what I think or how I feel.
-A good song.
-A good photograph.
-The economy class.
-When my Spanish teacher is wrong and I correct him [to an extend].
-When I know something that others do not [as bad as it might sound].
-Knowing that I am different from the others.
-Singing [When no one is listening and badly].
-Drinking tea.
-Feeling that I'm not alone [which is more like an illusion].
-Watching a good movie.
-Read, listen, watch... anything that leaves me something to think about.
-Having my work recognized.
-Do something that I feel proud of.
-The few times when I'm creative.
-Dancing [Until the point where it gets frustrating].
-When I'm completely sure about something or more like the absence of doubt.
-When something is pretty enough to make me cry.
-Every time I get that feeling of being in love.
-Every time someone looks at me and smiles.
-Every time someone smiles.
-Being able to notice details.
-Finding something I though I had lost.
-Giving and receiving a hug.
-Laying on my bed thinking about everything and anything.
-Remembering old daydreams.
-Watching people.
-When my hair is pretty [as shallow as it may sound].
-When someone leaves a comment in my blog, even if it's just advertising their site.
-Having a pet.
-Getting the illusion that I'm not so ignorant after all.
-Open people's eyes.
-Making wishes even though I know they won't come true.
-Writing this list =]
-Awkward moments after they already happened.
-Drawing [I should had thought about it sooner].
-When the things I do are perfect [in my opinion].
-Reading the things I wrote when I was 9.
-Reading a book I read when I was 9.
...

I could go on and on, but I'm quite tired now.

[17-11-08]

2008-11-21T22:30:00.000-05:00

El Vértigo de la Muerte

El alma no puede esperar el momento en que el cuerpo deje de funcionar así puede ella vagar libre a su gusto, mientras tanto debe vivir en esa cárcel que le ha sido arbitrariamente proporcionada.

El cuerpo lo sabe bastante bien, depende de él elegir, si quiere tener una existencia desdichada e ir en contra del alma que le ha sido otorgada o acepta sus deseos, y mientras la cárcel perdure ésta le hará al alma sentir lo más libre posible.

No debe el cuerpo terminar con su existencia o el alma no podrá sentirse a gusto una vez fuera de él, pues ésta se sentiría culpable de una muerte innecesaria. El alma entiende que el cuerpo tiene tanto derecho como ella a existir y se sacrifica para que esto ocurra.

Se mantienen ellos en un perfecto equilibrio entre sus necesidades, deseos y consideración el uno con el otro. El vértigo continúa hasta que una leve brisa decide por fin el destino de los dos, ambos caen al abismo sin saber que será de ellos, no por eso sin la esperanza de que aquello que llega, será mejor que el vértigo que sentían mientras sus caminos se cruzaron.

[21-11-08]

2008-11-21T22:11:00.001-05:00

She sits down, takes deep breaths and tries hard not to cry. So many things happen to her and none of them is important enough to make her feel like she is someone, she knows all these feelings will be gone by tomorrow morning and yet she cannot help but feel like this is the end of her world.

The tears get too heavy and she fails to keep them within, they start running through her face one after the other, she thinks about asking for help, but she very well knows that no one can or want to help her, she's done bad things, she appreciates her loneliness but whenever she wants a bit of company all she sees are people facing backwards, and she knows she doesn't deserve to call their attention. So she does the only thing she knows that might help.

She takes an old pencil and a white sheet of paper and starts writing what ever comes into her mind, hoping that it will make her feel a bit better.

"There are so many things I'd like to run away from, there are so many reasons why I shouldn't care about this at all, there are a million different masks I can wear and, wouldn't it be a waste to leave them in the dark?

I do not deserve anything that I want, and some things I do have should be as well taken away from me because they are all based on lies, lies I never meant to tell but I never tried to clarify.

There is nothing or no one, but I've chosen this, so I should at least learn from my mistakes and take every decision and live with it."

As she continues to write, the tears fall upon the paper making it difficult to read, she doesn't care, she wants it all gone.

She looks back to the past, she looks ahead to the future, at this point, she can barely remember yesterday and what she used to wish for, the little she does remember hurts her deeply, because she knows none of these will ever be true (again).

It breaks her heart every time people tell her she's been acting different, because she knows is true, and because no ones ever says something else, no offers of a helping hand, not a shoulder to cry upon, and when it does happen is weird and barely helpful.

The only thing she thought she did right, is bad enough to make her doubt about her future, she feels she's not good enough and that she sure as hell will end up being a failure.

The little confidence she once had has abandoned her completely and she almost wishes she could be somebody else.

"Cada vez que te veo es una mezcla, un vértigo se apodera de mi y no puedo dejar de sentir que todo esto es más que ridículo, cuando ya no estas pierdo el equilibrio completamente, pues lo que me mantenía de pie se va en otra dirección"

She was never resentful, her memory wouldn't allowed it, she thought everyone was like her, turns out people can hold on to hate pretty hard, which only makes her sadder.

Since writing haven't helped like it always does, she justs leaves it, she'll try to distract herself in some other way.

2008-11-21T20:56:00.002-05:00

I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
In the head of this stranger in love
Holding on given up
To another under faded setting sun
And I wonder where I am...
Could she run away with him?
So happy and so young
And I stare
As I sing in the lost voice of a stranger in love
Out of time letting go
In another world that spins around for fun
And I wonder where I am...
Could he ever ask her why?
So happy and so young...
And I stare... But...
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
In the heart of this stranger in love
Given up holding on
To this other under faded setting sun
And I'm not sure where I am...
Would he really turn away?
So happy and so young...
And I stare...
As I play out the passion of a stranger in love
Letting go of the time
In this other world that spins around for one
And I'm not sure where I am...
Would she know it was a lie?
So happy and so young...
And I stare... But...
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
In the soul of this stranger in love
No control over one
To the other under faded setting sun
And I don't know where I am...
Should he beg her to forgive?
So happy and so young...
And I stare...
As I live out the story of a stranger in love
Waking up going on
In the other world that spins around undone
And I don't know where I am...
Should she really say goodbye?
So happy and so young
And I stare... But...
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I got lost in someone else.

-Lost, The Cure-

[12-11-08]

2008-11-12T22:18:00.001-05:00

Haciendo honor a la catarsis por medio de la escritura, a ver si resulta igual que siempre o esta es una desafortunada ocación espacial...

Algunas cosas que han pasado por mi mente el día de hoy.

-Confiar no es algo que haga fácilmente
-Me fastidia la mayoría de la gente, pero no soy de las personas que lo van diciendo para que otros cambien, más bien me lo guardo y si esa persona es alguien a quien yo quiera mucho, entonces me aguanto pequeñas cosas porque valen la pena, de lo contrario trato de evitar.
-Hablar con una persona sobre las cosas que para uno puedan ser molestas, siempre me pareció egoista, nadie tiene que cambiar por más de que a otras personas, es como cuando alguien se sienta en una fila atras y le pide a los de adelante, quienes llegaron mucho antes, que se corran para que éste pueda tener una mejor vista.
-El hecho que el egoismo sea propio del ser humano, no está cerca de ser una buena razón por la cual deberíamos seguir en lo mismo.
-Me molesta cuando la gente habla de cosas que no conoce como si así lo hiciera, especialmente cuando yo sí sé de eso.
-Ultimamente (hoy), he sentido más que antes que estoy sola y que me encantaría poder confiar en alguien a quien le importe de verdad, alguien con quien pueda hablar.
-Hoy estoy un poco cansada de ser como soy y no disfruto de las conversaciones que suelo tener conmigo misma y más bien pienso en cosas que escribir que no están ni cerca de describir como me siento.
-A veces me siento como si tuviera doce años otra vez, lo cual no es del todo malo, pero me irritan bastante algunas de mis actitudes.
-Sí, a veces me gustaría ser otra persona.
-Sí, a veces puedo pensar sólo bobadas que en otro momento nunca se me habrían ocurrido, pero es parte de ser esto que soy.
-Lo único bueno permanece lejos, y al yo sentirme menos, lo alejo aún más.
-De verdad siento que no soy lo suficientemente buena como para alcanzar eso que quiero.
-And my best friend I've ever had is this blog, without a doubt.

[09-11-08]

2008-11-09T01:18:00.001-05:00

Oigo gritos y ruido afuera, a alguna pequeña parte de mí le gustaría salir, otra, más grande, prefiere estar justo donde está. Ninguna decisión debe ser tomada, no existe el conflicto entre ninguna de las dos partes. Dicen que el sufrimiento es bueno y que la felicidad es mala, y es cierto, sólo se ve la primera cuando se busca la segunda, que nunca nadie aprecia realmente. Dicen que los sueños sólo sirven para sufrir, y sin embargo yo no me siento triste, por más patético que pueda parecer, yo paso gran parte de mi tiempo, entre otras cosas, imaginando realidades alternas, donde todo lo que quiero es, un lugar que seguramente no podré llegar nunca a ver. No me importa quedarme hasta altas horas de la noche simplemente pensando en diferentes cosas o, como la mayor parte de las les gusta llamarlo, perdiendo el tiempo.

A través de estos casi diesiocho años, me he dado cuenta de cosas, faltas de consistencia, que no dejan de molestarme. Falta mucho aún, no tengo la autoridad, puede ser que me equivoque, nunca ha sido difícil aceptar mis errores, aunque sí mantener mis opiniones. Puede ser que yo sea la inconsistente, y sin embargo hay miles de cosas que no tienen el más mínimo sentido, no, más bien sí lo tienen, hasta podrían ser lógicas, entiendo bien como llegaron a pasar, pero eso no hace que esten bien, eso no quiere decir que no se puedan cambiar. ¿Qué clase de persona dice con orgullo que es egoista, admite que está mal, pero le echa la culpa a que es propio del ser humano? No alguien con quien yo podría llevarmela bien, seguramente.

No puedo creer que tenga un archivo en Word de 25 páginas llenas de sólo bobadas, Pero más difícil de creer es que me sepa todo eso casi de memoria, yo creo que muy pocas personas de 15-16 años han hecho eso.

Después de una corta pausa, los ruidos vuelven y todo es como era antes.

[07-11-08]

2008-11-07T20:52:00.003-05:00

This doesn't make sense at all.
Fortunately, it is fine most of the time.
Fortunately, it hasn't been as bad as I thought.
There is no right or wrong
It's always been easier to live by the rules.

I keep asking for things I know I do not deserve, I keep wishing even though I know nothing will be granted, long waits lead to great deceptions, they say persistence is a virtue, I now know it's a fucking waste of time.

Even though everything's alright, I want something else, just like everyone ,I want something more than what I've already have, we tend to sabotage our own happiness thinking there's something better, instead of just ignoring the bad and enjoy the good.

I can't help but envy the people who have what I want, as much as I love being myself, sometimes I think that, perhaps, it would be easier if I was just like everybody else. Maybe the reason for hate is only envy.

As I close my eyes and picture once again all those different scenarios where my happiness is reached, tears start to fall, following the same path they have for years followed, and I die while I watch perfection, could something unreachable be perfect?

[05-11-08]

2008-11-06T21:58:00.003-05:00

[04-11-08]

2008-11-04T17:39:00.002-05:00

¿Por qué esos esfuerzos, esos arrebatos, esas ansiedades y esa miseria?

Apparently not the only one who has lost all hope, or at least a bit
If you had the life to be here with me, if you weren't long dead, then perhaps you wouldn't be able to console me or make me feel better, perhaps you'll so greatly despise me, perhaps you wouldn't even care at all, perhaps you'd be fucking proud, to have opened at least one pair of eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I liked the fact that I got to know you, I guess it's all worth it, and it won't have too much of an impact on me even though I agree with ever single word you say.

They have said horrible things, along with the obvious good ones. I never did believe, I guess I am an optimist at heart.

As I close my eyes and look within, after a long time of absense, Can't really help to be ashamed of the amount of time I've been wasting, I have never had even the slightest idea of what I should do, which never stopped me from trying. Fortunately.

It has always been a battle between Giving up and Holding on, the second has won by far, despite of my weak and pathetic attempts of having the first as a winner. I have always been to fucking weak to fight against what I really love.

"La verdad se disfraza de ilusión para influir en la voluntad", and it scares me, that no one's will will ever be disguised =[

There are many things I want in my life and I don't want any of them to fucking interfere with the others.

[I am not closed, nor I try to end discussions, most things are indeed subjective. Dammit.]

A weird post, for a weird mood...

[01-11-08]

2008-11-01T22:50:00.004-05:00

Here are some things that have been going trough my mind lately, may not make much sense and not really connected to each other.

"You think you're denying me of something

Well I've got plenty
You're the one who's missing out
But you won't notice
'Til after five years
If you'll live that long
You'll wake up
All loveless"

5 Years, Björk

Right...
It's quite easy (and perhaps comforting) to believe that you're missing out on something by.. (I'm not really in the mood to talk about it), and yet I can't help but to feel the exact opposite (well, not really the exact opposite, the other opposite). It's all very relative, maybe everything could be better for someone, or worse for someone else. All I know is I don't know you, or at least not as much as I used to. You are quite different from everyone else, you are not afraid and, above everything, you are different in all the little aspects that matter the most. It's well know that I'm not the biggest fan of the human race and you happen to be different from what I hate, how could I not fall? how could I stop wanting to be close to someone who happens to be everything I love? I don't want anything, just knowing that people like you actually exist is plenty for me. There shouldn't have to be winners or losers.

I dare you to show me your plams and prove me right or wrong, I dare you to find all what you look for in me, I dare you never to forget me, I dare you to tell me every thought that has gone trough your mind.
-But I'm not saying you should take any of them-."

"People don't longer care for life, I can now expect the worse"

"I believe that every human being with a high level of love for themselves, is either stupid or in denial, which also applies to human beings who hate themselves. -But that's just a thought to start something I don't feel like writing tonight-."

"Abortion is wrong no matter where I see it from, or how many reasons can be given to me."

"Lately, German class is making me feel like this --> u_u and if it wasn't because I know it will be useful in a not so distant future and because I'd feel like a fucking failure, I'd drop out."

"I really hate colds and it's getting quite annoying, did it have to be on Halloween night?
Yes, it did."

"I recently found out that most of the things I don't like in people can be found in most of my friends and I'm not quite sure whether it means that I don't really care for those things but for people as a whole and I'm quite tolerant after all or that there's something really wrong with me and I need to get some new friends, the truth might be just that these are the people I know the most and it's quite inevitable to hate somethings.
(I have the need to clarify that not everything I hate is found in every single one of my friends, just one or two things per friend =D)"

"Reading makes me feel happy and I really missed it."

Well that's plenty for tonight.

[25-10-08]

2008-10-25T23:52:00.005-05:00

Every time I'm feeling really happy or really sad I can't help but to look at it from a biological point of view, which makes me feel a bit helpless and leads me to the thought that my personality is determined by the amount of certain hormones flowing through my bloodstream. At the end no one really knows anything, no one is really someone because we are constantly changing and we have no time to get to know ourselves, we don't even know who we are or if we really do exist, I'd like to say this life is nothing like I expected it to be, at last things are apparently falling into place and if I close my eyes for just a second I can feel that everything will be okay and things will turn out exactly the way I want, because I deserve it, because I've waited long enough and because I've given up many things in order to get that.

There are a million and one things going through my mind right now, aside from the usual ones which have been especially intense lately. The last few weeks have been hard on me but I can see a light now, which I never remembered to be so bright. My previous thoughts haunt me and won't let me arrive at true happiness because they never really did believe in it.

The past week got me thinking a lot about my attitudes towards different things, the way I never seem to be able to make up my mind about different things and how inconsistent I may seem to everyone around me.

I often am disgusted by some of my thoughts and attitudes, I never really mean them, they just come and go as they please and I can't do anything against them, I guess I can learn to, at least, keep them within me, even though it sounds quite unhealthy, I just don't want to act like someone I am not just because I don't know how to control myself.

On Thursday something happened, the kind of thing people take sides for, the kind of thing that is controversial enough to keeps us talking all they way through lunch. It doesn't matter what it was about, what worries me (and bothers me) is how I couldn't agree with anything, well, it was more like I couldn't disagree with anything, each position and statement was sensible and I could clearly see how someone would be for or against it, and this, what is quite helpful when I write, this ability to see something from different perspectives is what keeps me from choosing something, even from things like whether or not god exists I just cannot know it and probably never will, everything is just as possible, everything is just as acceptable. Perhaps this is the reason why I have always been interested in ethical matter and morality in general, I always thought that religious people had it so easy because they had rules they could rely on, things that are a certain way and ought to be followed no questions asked, I always envied how easy some people have it, I, however, cannot tell the difference between right and wrong, acceptable or unacceptable or even fantasy from reality.

The next point is closely related to the last one, consistency. Due to the lack of a well defined set of principles I have to follow, some of my actions and statements may be (are) seen as inconsistent, I change my mind constantly and it might be weird for people to hear all these opinions coming from the same person in such short periods of time. But well, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said I shouldn't be afraid to be who I am just because people would be confused by it, I should be consistent with myself today, not necessarily with my previous actions.

In other news, I got accepted into literature and that is probably the reason why I am feeling happy, turns out my life is slowly becoming what I want it to be.

Here is a link to the essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson, which I highly recommend and love ever since I heard it in english class last year. Here

[19-10-08]

2008-10-19T22:00:00.003-05:00

I want someone who would pay attention to what I have to say, as stupid or unimportant as it may seem.
I want someone who'd care about me.
I want someone who'd see everything that there is to see in me.
I want someone who'd me for what I am.
I want someone who is interested in the same things I am.
I want someone who would cheer me up when I am down.

I want someone, because I'm feeling pretty lonely.

[09-10-08] A couple of minutes later...

2008-10-09T23:57:00.001-05:00

I'm afraid I'm becoming one of you, I'm afraid I'm becoming someone I never meant to be, I don't read as much, actually I read more when I was 10 and even though I did it a lot more than other ten year olds, it isn't good at all, I feel like all my dreams are fading away because I don't feel good enough to actually accomplish them. I see the others and still feel a bit good about myself, but I know I could be so much better and I'm throwing all Ive got away. I keep telling myself that as soon as this part of my life is over I'll be able to do everything I like and be myself again, but the fact that it is supposed to happen in the future and not now makes me feel like, even then, I won't be able to do it.

There are good things in my life right now, even though I have made the wrong decisions so many times that I cannot even remember them. These mistakes were made in the two major aspects of my life today and there's nothing left to do but wait until I can make some new and better decisions, and the time is getting closer and closer and I'm afraid I won't make the right one.

I need to find myself once again, because this self hypocrisy isn't making it for me.

[09-10-08]

2008-10-09T23:39:00.001-05:00

Hace tiempo me pareció que todo a mi alrededor había cambiado, que las cosas eran de alguna manera diferentes a como eran antes, ahora sé que simplemente fue mi percepción quien lo veía todo diferente; no es lo demás lo que cambia, soy yo.

Veo un montón de puertas abiertas, digamos 30, las examino con cuidado y me doy cuenta que me gustaría pasar por 5 de ellas. Ellas también deben examinarme, pues no dejarían pasar a cualquiera, tienen ciertas medidas y nadie más grande o más pequeño tiene oportunidad de entrar. Me gustaría decir que ellas también me examinan con cuidado, pero lo más probable es que no se tomen más de unos minutos para decidir que yo no pertenezco realmente al lugar que ellas llevan.

No sé cuales serán sus criterios ni soy nadie para contradecirlos u opinar al respecto, yo sólo toco y entro donde me parezca y sea bienvenida, de lo contrario me quedo afuera.

Ya he escrito antes [mucho antes] que es bastante triste esperar ante una puerta a que ésta me deje pasar, y además ver a otras personas entrar y salir a su gusto. Pero más triste que todo eso en cuando las puertas dejan entrar a la gente por razones equivocadas y tiempo después las terminan expulsando sin siquiera sentir remordimiento.

Siempre me gustó creer en el destino; que hay una puerta con las medidas específicas para cada uno, debo admitir que suena ridículo, sin embargo tiene algo de mágico que atrae y todos queremos alcanzar algo perfecto donde encajemos perfectamente, valga la redundancia.

[28-09-08] Later on

2008-09-28T21:34:00.003-05:00

(...)

Possibly maybe probably love

As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn't mind perhaps
Spending little time with you
Sometimes
Sometimes

Possibly maybe probably love

Uncertainly excites me
Baby
Who knows what's going to happen?
Lottery or car crash
Or you'll join a cult

Possibly maybe probably love

(...)

Possibly Maybe - Björk

[28-09-08]

2008-09-28T00:41:00.002-05:00

Y es verdad que aún no he hecho casi nada.
De momento me siento bien, pero después, al mirar atrás no puedo dejar de pensar lo mal que estaba, lo idiota que era, la poca atención que prestaba, lo ingenua que era, lo mal que actuaba, lo poco que decía, la falta de constancia y consecuencia, lo poco que me importaban algunas cosas y lo mucho que me importaban algunas otras. En otras palabras, el pasado es un tiempo que no quisiera revivir (con algunas excepciones, obviamente), es un lugar que me alegra haber dejado y que sé le pertenezco ahora, mañana.

¿Qué es lo que quiero hacer?
al ver hacia delante, no veo nada y me alegra. Sólo siento que todo estará bien y eso es lo único que necesito saber. Me gustan las sorpresas, no soy como cualquier ninguno de mis compañeros contemporáneos, es una diferencia que me enorgullece y sin embargo oculto porque sé no comprenderán, me despierto cada mañana sintiendo que será un día nuevo, que tal ver por fin lo que tanto he esperado sucederá, que estoy viva y todavía me queda por lo menos un día. No quiero ver más allá, siempre odié hacer planes, tuve varios pero no conseguí alcanzarlos y la desilusión siempre es difícil de sobrepasar. No es que no haga lo que quiero sólo por miedo a fallar (y sí que le temo), es porque no me gustó, porque no le veo necesidad y me gusta más de otro modo. No entiendo las personas que se empañan en decir que algo debe ser de cierta manera, que la gente debe hacer ciertas cosas y otras no, yo hago lo que me conviene, lo que me gusta y evito lo que no y punto. Siempre he querido tener de esas personalidades bien definidas, no necesariamente previsibles sino concretas y seguras, la mía es más bien lo opuesto, pero las cosas están bien como son y me parece ridículo querer ser algo distinto, ¿Cómo podría el sentimiento de querer ser diferente venir de eso mismo de lo que se quiere alejar?

Ya no sé ni lo que digo.
A veces quise poder ser normal, poder ser como todo lo demás a mi alrededor, pero soy feliz como soy y no puedo evitar dibujar una sonrisa en mi rostro cuando veo a la gente hacer cosas que encuentro reprobables (déjà vu), me siento por encima de ellos, poco tiempo después me horrorizo de mi actitud y comienzo sólo a sentir pesar y algo de compasión. A veces puedo ser una mala persona, no me parece malo, es simplemente un equilibrio al que hay que necesariamente llegar y no tiene absolutamente nada de malo. Nunca entendí por que la gente dice que soy adorable y todos los que me conocen les parezco una buena persona, nunca les he dicho que se equivocan, pues me gustaría que tuvieran razón, además es mejor que se enteren por ellos mismos, pero no deja de molestarme tener una imagen que no necesariamente proyecta lo que hay en mi interior, me pregunto si de ser así todos seríamos iguales y tendríamos los mismos sentimiento hacia todas las personas...

Después de varios años, aprendí a conocerme a mi y al resto de las personas.
No es muy difícil la verdad, no hay siquiera que hablar, un sólo gesto puede decir mucho más. Creo haber dicho ya que me interesa la psicología, será que hace lo que hace inconscientemente o de verdad me evita, no es que yo esté celosa (¿Cómo de qué?), es que me pregunto si seré o no yo la causa de su lejanía, es decente así como yo intento ser y así me aproximo más y más a un tema que no quiero tocar, antes me hacía sentir mejor pero ahora sólo me hace querer que todo ésto se acabe y poder seguir de una vez con mi vida (o comenzar a tener una, más bien).

Cada hora que pasa todo está más cerca.
Pasa mi vida esperando que algo extraordinario pase, mientras tanto dejo pasar perfectas oportunidades de recuerdo que terminan por ser olvidadas, tal vez es mi culpa y yo le doy la espalda a la vida, ¿No será que ya se me olvido como aceptar o es que nunca lo aprendí? Tal vez las cosas nunca pasan porque yo no me encargo de que pasen, seguramente, tal vez. O será que existen más

Todo se hace cada día más largo.
Es como si el tiempo se detuviera y con cada día que pasa la pausa se hace más y más larga y el mundo nunca deja de girar y de repente para y no puede más y aunque quiera seguir girando ya no le queda la energía necesaria que antes tenía por cantidades y un día comenzó a desvanecerse lenta pero constantemente imperceptiblemente.

Sí estoy muy cansada, y todo debe estar mal escrito y redactado, pero prefiero tenerlo como salió pues así todo es más real cuando está sin arreglar. Posiblemente una de las cosas más cercanas que he escrito si es que me acuerdo bien de lo que dice.

[13-09-08]

2008-09-13T22:41:00.002-05:00

10:14
- Is it worth it?
- Yeah, off course it is, haven't these last two years been amazing?
- I guess..
- Haven't you smiled and enjoyed every single moment you had?
- Yes, I had.
- It was all worth it then.
- Will it ever be over?
- Probably, this things are never meant to last for too long, actually this one has taken too much already.
- Does that mean that is different and that it will never have an end?
- No it just means that it will soon be over. Aren't you happy.
- I don't know, I'm not quite sure if I do want it to be over yet.
- It's going to happen whether you like it or not.
- Maybe I am a little tired after all, honestly, I can't wait for next year to start, so I can be around different things and distract myself a little bit.
- A time away is what you need, a change of atmosphere.
- I've spent too much time by myself already, I always thought it was important to get to know oneself first, and well, I guess I've done that [Not quite, but I'm sure i'm closer than most of people].
- Sure, you deserve to start living your life now that you know who you are and what you want.
- I want to feel good enough and be confident. Sometimes I feel I will never feel that way.
- You are good enough, about the confidence, it's up to you to get it.
- Why is it so hard for me and other people have it so easy?
- I don't know, I always thought you were too hard on yourself, perhaps that is the reason.
- Maybe, but I don't want to be a conformist and be proud of just anything, I know I'm better than what I've done.
- It´s good you think that way, just don't take it to the extreme otherwise you will never be truly happy, give yourself some credit.
- I don't think I deserve it, hopefully some day I will, but it's definitely not today.
- Why not?
- I haven't done anything great yet.
- What is great for you?
- These questions are starting to bother me, great for me is something with meaning, something with an impact on others, something that others will like to do for themselves because it is good and right.
- I won't ask anything more then.
- I mean, I don't have the right answers yet, I need to think about it and I can feel the pressure to answer everything right away.
- That was never my intention.
- I feel I am alone and no one gets me.
- Is it because you don't let them?
- Probably, I don't think anyone is interested anyway.
- Plenty of people are.
- I've been told that I have a talent to see everything from different perspectives, I know what people think of me, I know how they perceive me. I know they see me as the friend of the friend. I know I'm underestimated and I can't do anything about it, nor I care. I know people think I'm a bit insane. I know people think I am intelligent. I know people see me as a distant person who they will never get completely. I know no one was felt any sort of interest in me, or if they had then it was superficial, the kind of interest you feel when you see something weird and you want to know a bit about it but then you find out it wasn't what you expected and you walk away. I don't know how I have friends at all. There are people that trust me, and that I trust in, they know me quite well, and yet I feel them far from me. I've always kept a distance between everyone I know. I guess I am afraid they will hurt me. Nevertheless, I wish I could trust in someone completely, I wish I could feel save next to someone. I wish I could open up and find someone who would care about me and...
- You will find that person.
- When?
- You will have to wait.
- haven't I wait a lot already?
- Good things in life come after a long wait.
- I'm getting the best no doubt.
- You deserve it.
- Hopefully.

10:41

[10-09-08]

2008-09-10T22:17:00.003-05:00

I guess there's nothing that can be done when the whole universe conspires against you, is there?

What if the thing you have waited the most for never does happen and you realize you have wasted you time, or at least you thing you have? Perhaps there wasn't anything better to do anyway.

I've always thought that life would get better and better as it went by, and well, it has, just not as much as I thought it would.

I keep complaining I don't have enough time, but here am I procrastinating, wasting the little I do have.

One never does realize how blind they actually are, until they cannot see at all.

The truth is, I'd like to be anywhere as long as I am with you -I found that as I went through my German notes, I feel like writing at some weird times, like in the middle of a listening exercise-

I wish I could write more but I'm running out ofi ideas and energy, I really don't want to stay and find out which one lasts longer.

[09-09-08]

2008-09-09T21:38:00.006-05:00

As soon as I heard about the black hole thing [a couple of hours ago] I thought it'd be good to write some last words, you never know something might go wrong and we'll all be dead by tomorrow morning [I'm sure everything will be okay anyway... deep inside I know that the worst will happen: nothing [well, not that deep inside] besides I have German test tomorrow so the world is definitely ending some other day [I just thought of the greatest excuse in case I don't do that well on the test: I was too worried about my life to care about exams ^^[It's amazing the way thoughts are popping in my head tonight, and even more amazing that I'm actually writing them down, that is weird [I wonder if that's a sign, and the end of the world is happening after all... [Enough already]]]]] [I lost my train of thought [however that is spelled]] A couple of days ago I wrote something for someone, and my plan was to give it the last day we saw each other, and I wonder if that's a sign [another one]. Even if they are just coincidences, we all know that when a series of those happen it's because "es muss sein" therefore, the world is indeed coming to an end.

If we were all sucked by a black hole then no one would get to see this, and if it doesn't then it would be here posted mocking me for making a big deal out of something so small and improbable such as the end of the world.

I always wanted my last words to be great and remembered but I have nothing to say other than "I need some sleep" so hopefully I get at least a couple of more years to think about something that is great.

My god I'm tired, and it's easy to tell by the uncommon amount of "babosadas" that are written here [excuse the lack of a proper translation [or lack of memory]].

ahh! When I wrote the title, I noticed that tomorrow is going to be 10-09-08, it's like a count down, isn't it weird that it starts at 10? I wonder what would happen at 07:06 and 5 seconds? another coincidence? By the time that hour arrives here it would had arrived to hundreds of other countries... [that was one horrible sentence[I think]] so we can always call London and ask how it went.

Have a nice night, or after life if that's the case [or a nice life in another dimension [who knows where those holes may lead us to]]

[This post made my day, along with the wave =]]

[Edit:10-09-08:
how stupid, I realized the countdown thing is wrong. If you did notice then you are a smart person ,if you didn't, then read more carefully, I found out as I was laying in bed this morning and I was trying to remember what I had written and I noticed my stupidity, as of now I'll just leave it there, for the world to see how much I try to find inexistent coincidences. Is it to noticeable? the fact that I have quite an interest for coincidence?]

[05-09-08]

2008-09-05T17:46:00.004-05:00

It's hard to stand by choices, but it gets easier as I realize I don't have much of a choice. The destiny is well defined since we, being ourselves, can't choose something other than what we choose because certain things have shaped our judgment in a way that makes us impossible to make any other choice. I have made many mistakes throughout my short life, and though I do not find comfort in the past statement, I believe it. There are other things in which I do not take comfort in but that explain a bit why I do everything I do, the reason why I choose what I choose and why I haven't changed my mind yet. I have problems letting things go, I am sure I've said these same words before but today I have the need to reaffirm them. I am not afraid of change, I actually like change, the truth is, if I was asked to leave something good for something new, I'd stick to the good any day. I know most of the people are this way, I do not consider myself especial or unique for the last statement, it is quite obvious and every sensible human being would agree with it, but it sometimes amuses me, the fact that I have waited this long, that it hasn't run out already, it's inertia I guess.

Again, this is nothing new, and will probably stay this way for a while, I just don't want to wait for a couple of decades for someone to make a decision so that I can get to see the scene I've been picturing for quite a while now.

[04-09-08]

2008-09-04T21:51:00.003-05:00

I'm tired and I feel I haven't been giving myself the time I know I deserve, I believe time is passing by useless even though I have never done more things in such a limited amount of time.

I'm looking at everything from a different perspective, and does not look quite the same. The fact that I can change the way I see things as I wish makes me doubt of everything I see, I cannot longer trust anything, not even my own eyes because everything is completely distorted.

I miss the way things were, I guess I always will. Sometimes I listen to songs that remind me of another time, where everything seems to be completely different from how it is now. I can't help but to listen and close my eyes, trying my hardest to lose myself to the sound and take back time for a minute or two.

Some other times I dream with the future instead, thinking about how an specific moment would be like, what would be said..., which only makes me even more curious to know how everything is going to go, unfortunately I don't think anything can top what I have imagined.

I'm not quite sure what is best, if taking back time or speculating about the future, all I know is that in these ways I get to live everything that real life has kept from me.

I guess I'll have to keep on living the alternative plan of my life, since the main one is quite impossible to accomplish.

[I'm having issues with prepositions, for the first time I'm feeling German is deteriorating my English]

[24-08-08]

2008-08-24T21:51:00.003-05:00

I used to be proud of my sense of sight, until one day I discovered I was getting blinder and blinder. I cannot recall that specific moment though, thank god. Now every word, including the ones that I am writing at this very moment, seem to be crying, they are blurry as if they did not want to be read or reviewed, they just want to be there for other people to see but not me. I will not give up though, I will find the right filter by which I will be able to feel as proud as I once did.
________________________________________________________

Ja, sabes de que me acorde? Después de haberte dicho todo, cuando ya me iba a dormir para que nadie se diera cuenta que había estado llorando mucho, te dije "te quiero mucho". Te acuerdas que me respondiste? Me dijiste "lo mismo". Yo nunca había sentido tanta rabia mezclada con tristeza, rabia porque era mentira y tristeza porque no era verdad, porque sentiste la necesidad de hacerme sentir un poco mejor después de lo que me habías dicho antes. Acaso creíste que yo iba a creer ciegamente en tus palabras? De pronto si me quieres [querías], pero, como yo? Definitivamente no es lo mismo. Como podría, si unos minutos antes decías que no era lo mismo, que era diferente, que era menos? La gente nunca es consciente de la magnitud de sus palabras, ahora me doy cuenta lo cuidadoso que hay que ser. Yo sé que tu intención nunca fue mala, yo sé que tú no querías que sonara de ese modo, tú sólo pensaste que tal vez sería lo que debías hacer, por decencia o pesar o lo que sea.

[18-08-08]

2008-08-18T21:40:00.003-05:00

Hay mucha gente, y de esa gente, muy poca puede comprender [cuando digo muy poca quiero decir nadie], incluso a esta le es difícil, nadie lo hace del todo. Cada persona tiene [o debería tener] un diccionario de palabras incomprendidas.

Mientras más me doy cuenta de las diferencias, más crece en mí el deseo de acentuarlas. Hubo una época en mi vida, hace tiempo ya, en la que me habría gustado poder encajar más fácilmente con todo lo que hay a mi alrededor, por suerte, esa época llegó a su fin y ahora veo que esas diferencias me enorgullecen y como dije quiero acentuarlas lo más posible.

Volviendo a lo anterior, ya que hay tantas diferencias, entre tanta gente, cómo podría alguien llegar a pensar o siquiera entender algo de lo que yo hago o pienso? Y aunque aún no llego a la parte de mi vida donde tengo el control absoluto para tomar toda clase de decisiones, aún hoy cuando me siento como una niña, ya se pude ver que no soy igual a los demás y nunca nadie entenderá.

Son bonitas las palabras que se oyen de vez en cuando [justo cuando uno las necesita], y no es por ser desagradecida o algo parecido, pero carecen de todo sentido y significado. La compasión [Mitgefühl] no existe.

Si que nadie lea esto es bueno en algún sentido, tiene que ser que no dejan comentarios "compasivos".

[17-08-08]

2008-08-17T20:26:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of those people who claim they are pretty open-minded and they say the accept everyone and they would never ever discriminate anyone, and then, later on on their profiles, in the dislike part they say they hate racist, homophobic, xenophobic, [insert any type of discriminations here]. Wtf? didn't you just said you accepted everyone? Didn't you just said you were open minded? I really can't understand these people, no, wait, I can; they just go with trends, "mg! everyone accepts is anti homophobia, racism.. everyone is open minded, everyone claims to be so liberal, well so should I!" You can believe what ever you want, you can like/dislike whatever you like, just be consistent.

Yes, I am open minded.
Yes, I do accept everyone.
No, I'm not saying I hate these people, I just don't get them..

Mood: Confused
Music: Moby

[15-08-08]

2008-08-15T22:15:00.001-05:00

I'd never be a saleswoman, I'd end up buying everything I sell, because I tend to believe in my lies...

[09-08-08]

2008-08-09T23:15:00.006-05:00

Yo, casualmente entré al colegio. Ella, casualmente se enteró que yo me cambiaba de colegio. Ella, casualmente entró al colegio también. Ella y él, casualmente viven cerca. Ella y él casualmente se iban en el mismo bus. Ella y él, casualmente se hicieron amigos. Él y yo, casualmente nos conocimos.

Hizo falta que se produjeran siete casualidades para empujar nos, como si no tuviera ganas.

A mí siempre me gusto creer en la causalidad más bien, pero todo parece apuntar a que "Es konnte auch anders sein".

[Coincidence makes sense only with you]

Pero cuantas más coincidencias se necesiten para que se produzca algo, más importante, pesado, significativo y privilegiado es el producto. Es muss sein.

[08-08-08] Later On

2008-08-08T21:31:00.002-05:00

I haven't quite reach the point where I only want their happiness, I'm still a bit egoist. I want to be happy. Everything is just starting and I should have my chance to...

Seeing I'm no one, seeing I don't mean anything, while others may indeed be someone, while others have the greatest of the meanings.

It destroys me, brings tears to my eyes, even though that happens quite a lot lately, that doesn't take away its meaning, what it represents. No one likes to feel they have been replace, I wasn't even replaced, I was never given the chance, in the first place, to prove how much I...

The fact that you feel what I feel for you, for someone else, kills me.

I care for you,and I'm afraid that is not changing any time soon.

[It sure as hell wasn't a good day, even less lucky]

[08-08-08]

2008-08-08T17:17:00.002-05:00

I can't remember how to be all you wanted
I can't even remember what you want me to be
did you tell me?
or did you walk away?
did I asked and waited for an answer?
or was I who walked away?

You know how I blame myself for everything, partly because I like having control, and therefore, if something goes wrong it has to be my fault, and partly because I'm insecure, I feel I make too many mistakes.

I've always told myself it is better if I am just myself, that making an effort would only make it fake. I wonder if there was something I could do.

This may have lasted more than it should, the average person would have forgotten all about it by now. But I am known to be different, I do not act like people my age act, I enjoy wasting my life with different thing, I worry about different things... I am different. I do not want to change, I'm afraid that if I let go of something as big and important for me, I wouldn't be the same person ever again. Besides, there is no good reason why I should get over this. It's not hurting me, it's not hurting anyone. I, sometimes, am happy, I, some others, am not, but that's the way it would be anyhow.

Sometimes I wish all I want could come true, but then I realize that it probably wouldn't be as good as I imagine. I'd be disillusioned, it most certainly wouldn't be enough.

It's sad to know that nothing will ever be like I want it to be.

How much do you care? How much do I mean?

I feel I can't breathe, I feel I can't go forward, and I almost wish something could help me, I just can't do it on my own.

I don't know what to do, I don't know if it would make a difference anyway. The time is passing by, and as I wait I, without noticing it, make my choice.

[Was today supposed to be a lucky day?]

[07-08-08]

2008-08-07T02:42:00.003-05:00

Horas, años, semanas, horas, años, semanas, horas, años, semanas, meses.

Las veces que creí, las veces que tus manos rozaron las mias, las veces que tu voz casi no significaba nada, las veces donde yo nunca despertaba.

Todo es diferente, mejor o peor, no tiene mayor importancia, las veces cuando lograbas sorprenderme, las veces cuando creí.

Este momento, no es más que un momento. Igual que este día nunca será más que un día. Pero, y aquel día, aquel que significo todo y al tiempo nada, ese día donde yo creí saber, ése cuando yo tenía fe. Y ese día, nunca será más que un día?

Cómo iba yo a saber que no podía creer, como iba a saber, que para ti apenas existió.

A crime was to believe that some of that was real, Oh how blind I used to be, Oh how blind I want to be. [Damned the day I learned to see]

Aparentemente, las coincidencias sólo tienen sentido cuando se trata de ti. Aparentemente debo permanecer con los ojos abiertos, pues si duermo los sueños pueden durar una eterenidad, sueños que se mezclan con pesadillas, no se sabe cuando empieza, no se sabe cuando termina.

las personas caminan tranquilamente por la calle, las personas caminan lentamente por la vida, las personas apenas se mueven por el mundo, las personas viajan sin rumbo.

Antes de cualqueir cosa, antes de que el menor acontecimiento tenga lugar, incluso antes de ir a dormir, hay algo que debió haberse hecho hace tiempo ya. No existe una nota, no existe un papel, que pruebe lo mucho, lo mucho que yo...

[06-08-08]

2008-08-06T23:28:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a poorly written poem...

I can't help but forget.
It has not even been a day
Everything I have longed to get
All the words I meant to say

This will not be the end
I know it will go back to being great
All those days that I will spend
but we shouldn't have to wait/ You know it is just fate.

Our one last chance approaches
I don't want to hear those voices
I want things the way they were
No matter what they say

All those lights up in sky
All those voices that I hide
All those emotions when I cry
All those questions; why?

All those words I tried to say
All those attempts to find a way
All those memories of may
All those things that fade away

As it finally comes to a close
As I wake up from the dream
maybe it's time to brake my bows
but remember, nothing's ever what it seem.

[06-08-08]

2008-08-06T00:36:00.003-05:00

Hace tiempo no sentía como era despertarse a media noche después de una pesadilla.
Sólo es un sueño, sólo es un sueño.
Ahora que estoy despierta puede hacer algo productivo, algo así como vivir mi vida.

The End of the World-The Cure

Go if you want to
I never try to stop you know there's a reason
For all of this you're feeling low
It's not my call
You couldn't ever love me ~~more~~
You couldn't love me ~~more~~
You couldn't love...
Me...
I don't show much
It's not that hard to hide you see in a moment
I cant remember how to be all you wanted
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more
I couldn't love...
You want me to cry and play my part
I want you to sigh and fall apart
We want this like everyone else
Stay if you want to
I always wait to hear you say there's a last kiss
For all the times you run this way it's not my fault
You couldn't ever love me ~~more>~~
You couldn't love me ~~more~~
You couldn't love...
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more
I couldn't love...
You want me to lie ~~not break your heart~~
I want you to fly not stop and start
We want us like everything else
Ooo-eee-ooo...
Ooo-eee-ooo...
Maybe we didn't understand
It's just the end of the world...
Ooo-eee-ooo... Ooo-eee-ooo...
Maybe we didnt understand
Not just a boy and a girl
It's just the end of the end of the world...
Me... I don't say much
It's far too hard to make you see in a moment
I still forget just how to be all you wanted
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more
I couldn't love you more
I couldn't love you more
I couldn't love you more

[04-08-08]

2008-08-04T22:15:00.005-05:00

Self-destruction.

It's not but after a while when you realize that the so called master piece is anything but perfect, it's not even right. As you well know, this cannot be improved, the mistakes just can't be fixed or even hidden, they are evident. You knew it from the start, you knew there was something wrong, you knew it was not how it was meant to be, and yet you did not know what was wrong with it. You kept staring at it hoping to notice what was keeping the piece from reaching it's maximum of perfection. some seconds later you finally spot it. A relatively small mistake, the more you stare at it, the sicker it got you, the more you wanted to tear the whole thing apart and start from scratch. But something stopped you, perhaps the fact that you spent your whole life [which has not exactly been the longest, but is a long time to invest on something nevertheless] dreaming, planing and eventually creating what you now so deeply despise. You tried fixing, you tried hiding, and the more you tried the surer you were; There is only one solution to this piece of shit, to this piece of mediocrity you have been working on and on tirelessly for as long as you can remember. The thought of loosing everything is unbearable. Love, as always, blinds you, and you can't help but to try different but hopeless solutions. The thought is still floating through your mind, but the denial seems to be grater. At last you manage to overcome the fear, and do what you've got to do.

Self-destruction is necessary in order to improve. Self-destruction is necessary in order to evolve. Self-destruction is necessary in order to truly change. Self-destruction is necessary in order to reach perfection. Self-destruction is the only sensible way to be a person, a decent person. Self-destruction leads to not only endless possibilities but to development and progress. Self-destruction is necessary in order to improve. Self-destruction is necessary in order to evolve. Self-destruction is necessary in order to truly change. Self-destruction is necessary in order to reach perfection. Self-destruction is the only sensible way to be a person, a decent person. Self-destruction leads to not only endless possibilities but to development and progress.Self-destruction is necessary in order to improve. Self-destruction is necessary in order to evolve. Self-destruction is necessary in order to truly change. Self-destruction is necessary in order to reach perfection. Self-destruction is the only sensible way to be a person, a decent person. Self-destruction leads to not only endless possibilities but to development and progress.

[Go and destroy yourself, I know I will...].

[29-07-08] [Later on]

2008-07-29T23:10:00.005-05:00

Thoughts and Questions
[Mostly questions [Yes, of the night...]]

- I wonder what would people say if they read this. [And by people I mean my friends]
- Will I ever get tired of this?
- Will I hate myself later on while reading this Blog?
- Will someone ever get a "Thoughts Of The Night" addiction, read and actually enjoy every single one of the entries? [I know I am addicted to a couple of blogs..]
- Is there anyone thinking of me now?
- Is He thinking of me, right about... now?
- Will he come back? [No, you don't get it]
- Was it a mistake or did he mean it? [No, you don't understand this one either]
- Should I say everything that is crossing my mind?
- This person changed my life quite a lot, thanks.
- Will I ever tell this person?
- Why do I keep writing every questions that pops into my mind?
- Am I wasting my time?
- Am I a waste of air and space?
- Will I give in and go to sleep?
- How long will D-D-D last?
- Will I get tired of it?
- Will I forget about it?
- Will I forget about you? [Stupid question]
- Will I wake up tomorrow morning?
- Will I ever be able to turn back time?
- Will I be happy?
- Can this get anymore stupid?
- Fuck, it's cold.
- Am I sick?
- Why do I ask myself whether or not I am sick?
- Shouldn't I know that?
- By now?
- The music is good tonight.
- I have a brand new favorite song.
- Will I ever be able to speak german fluently?
- Will I sing next year?
- Will next year make a difference at all?
- Why do my eyes hurt?
- Is it because of the light, because they need sleep, or just because..?
- I'll go for just because.
- Why did I asked the same thing twice?
- Why didn't I change it? [At the time who know... [right] Now I realized I meant different things].
- Do I remind you of your annoying "Insert 6 year old relative here"?
- Am I annoying?
- Why did I read more when I was 10?
- I need to go to sleep.
- Tschüß Fuckers.
- 34 Questions, 8 Thoughts, 1 Answer.
Good I'm not confused at all.

[29-07-08]

2008-07-29T12:49:00.003-05:00

I'm sick and tired of

La gente que insiste en hablarme como si yo fuera mucha gente, la gramática española no es para nada difícil, aprendan todos alemán y verán... además, yo sé que sí saben hablar.

Es lo que significa, yo no quiero pertenecer a ese grupo igualmente, porque yo sé por qué lo dicen, yo lo entiendo perfectamente, pero lo odio y bastante.

-¿Él llamó a alguna de ustedes?
-Carajo, ¿Cómo voy yo a saberlo? sólo puedo responder por mí, pregúntele a cada uno por lo suyo.

Sí estas son las pequeñas cosas que me molestan de la gente, ustedes, en el mejor de los casos, apenas y se dan cuanta.

Fuck you all.

[27-07-08]

2008-07-27T01:14:00.003-05:00

Pocas canciones, pocas canciones y especialmente en español, logran convertirse en lo que ésta fácilmente es. Cada que oigo hablar de ella me emociono y una felicidad se apodera de mí tan fuerte, que me arranca una sonrisa a estas horas donde debo quedarme callada, hasta me ha hecho escribir y dios sabe que por esta época no es fácil. Hoy me enteré, gracias a los arranques de acoso que de vez en cuando me dan, que la canción, como yo ya sospechaba, es de amor. De hecho yo no debería estar acá, o bueno, no hace un par de horas, y yo que digo tratar de ser consecuente.

Por otro lado creo que estoy saliendo de ese horrible lugar donde me encontraba desde hace meses, veo la luz y es hermosa. Ya no me siento rara y sonrío al pensar en todo y no sólo cuando estoy distraída. Le debo ésto no sólo al descanso y escape de todo, que harto necesitaba, sino también a ciertas personas (ya estoy grandecita como para confundir el número, ahh pero es que parece tan fácil así) y algunas canciones y frases de libros, en otras palabras necesitaba tiempo para reconciliarme conmigo misma con ayuda de un poco de arte, que como es bien sabido es el lenguaje del alma y no existe otra manera de establecer contacto con ella.

A pesar de las recientes y no tan buenas noticias, siento que todo va a estar perfectamente bien, no es como si no me lo hubiese imaginado ya... Además que a futuro es mejor así, especialmente si todo sale como planeado, y así será. Es un sentimiento más bien difícil de describir, más que el sentimiento promedio como la tristeza o alegría, éstos por lo menos tienen nombre, el mio es raro es una suerte de seguridad a largo plazo, un "everything's gonna be okay" pero por un tiempo no lo estará. Yo, a pesar de todo, logro de vez en cuando, ser una persona medianamente realista y este mediocre intento siempre ha sido suficiente para saber como van a ser las cosas, para despertarme un poco y decir "igual, nada de ésto va a cambiar", sin embargo, esta vez no sólo no siento que las cosas van a cambiar sino que será pronto [el único impedimento ya casi no tiene importancia, además yo he probado que dura bastante, o no?].

Me encanta como la mayor parte de lo que escribo está completamente cifrado y por más que alguien me conozca tiene difícil entender de verdad todo esto.

Escucho insistentemente la misma canción, insistentemente la misma canción, la misma canción, la canción, canción. [Muchas gracias]

Este post esta dedicado a todas esas personas que no creen que todo ocurre por alguna razón, todas esas personas tan fuertes que no necesitan creer en nada.

[24-07-08]

2008-07-24T23:17:00.003-05:00

I know this might be only a dream, I know that this is probably not going to last forever, and still I want to give it a try, well, more like having a chance to, in the worst case, prove myself right and getting over everything I've felt and believed for the past two and a half years.

I truly believe there is something that not only could but should happen. I know I may not have tried hard enough I may not seem consistent, but I just don't know what to do.

I've seen thousands of sings along the path, and I'd love to believe in them, but I just don't want to get my hopes up for nothing. Even though I love to dream I don't want to see myself down unnecessarily.

I've come to a point where I ask myself what is this that I'm feeling and unfortunately I haven't been able to give myself an answer. Although I'm afraid I do know what it might be.

[22-07-08]

2008-07-22T13:04:00.003-05:00

The nice little banner I did for my beloved Blog

[18-07-08]

2008-07-18T00:50:00.006-05:00

[15-07-08]

2008-07-15T02:23:00.004-05:00

Mientras escucho la más suave y lenta de las canciones que he escuchado esta noche, no puedo evitar que despierte en mi una tristeza infundada. Hoy por fin pasó lo que he venido esperando que pasara desde el mismo momento en que salí a vacaciones, no puedo creer haya pasado un mes ya. Y al tiempo la desilución de la impotencia se apodera lentamente de cada parte de mí, apenas me doy cuenta de lo que sucede y por momentos hasta logro olvidar sin siquiera proponérmelo. Hoy conocí lo que puede ser el amor o tal vez era otra cosa diferente, quien sabe...

Repetir fue la mejor opción así mi ánimo se mantiene intacto. La hora es más perfecta aún. Y a pesar de todo el frío de la noche, éste no logra penetrar mi ser. Y a pesar de todo, las grandes constantes de mi vida se mantienen, valga la redundancia. Al ser la efimeridad común pierde todo su significado en sí misma y me hace creer que todo es ella sin ser ella en lo absoluto.

Quiero, hasta el punto de obligarme a mí misma, extrañar y hasta emocionarme por cosas que a decir verdad es mejor que no lo haga. El remedio perfecto para cualquier cosa es el entretenimiento, como ya algunos medios me habían dejado saber, pero ahora yo lo noto sin ayuda exterior, y así se vuelve otra verdad irrefutable más.

"Just because they can't feel it too doesn't mean that you have to forget"

No me doy cuenta del comienzo o final de este ciclo, no sé en qué momento muere para renacer segundos después. Su sutileza forma parte del delicado equilibrio entre la vida y la muerte, no me dí cuenta del momento de mi nacimiento, probablemente tampoco lo haga a la hora de mi muerte.

He leído bastante a cierto autor este último mes, le agradezco de todo corazón pues en realidad me ha ayudado bastante y me ha abierto los ojos en varios aspectos. Estoy segura que cuando más adelante lo relea me transportará automáticamente a este espacio tiempo con todo lo que esto implica, eso es si dejo de leerlo por un tiempo, y me temo que así será pues he agotado el material rápidamente. Le estaré siempre agradecida, señor.

"I tried to stay away
You know
Just in case
I've come to realize
We all have our place
Time has a way you know
To make it clear
I have my role in this
I can't disappear
Or leave you here

Watching you drown
I'll follow you down
And i am here right beside you
The lights in the sky
Are waving goodbye
I am staying right beside you"

-Lights In The Sky-NiN